Are you old?

"Are you old?" said by 3 year old boy, after eyeballing Wheeler in his wheelchair up and down for a good bit.  I like his logic!

Duct tape and WD-40

You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.  If it shouldn't move and does, use duct tape.


- author unknown


- author brilliant

Next time? Listen!

Offspring has a friend who comes over after school every day.  Every. Day.  I like her, she is a delightful little girl, so I don't mind in the slightest (but I am going to negotiate with her family over taking her as a tax deduction on my taxes).  She and Offspring ride their bikes here every day, and then we walk her home later.  On Monday, Wheeler was up and so we all went.  Offspring was on roller blades, I had Dog and the friend rode her bike.  We dropped her at her door and turned to walk back home (well, half of us, only Dog and I were technically walking).  I had ahold of Offspring hand, with Dog's leash in my other hand. 

About a block later, I could hear Wheeler saying something, a one syllable word of some sort, but I couldn't understand him.  He can't speak terribly loud because his injury is high enough that it compromises his lung function and hence he can't shout very well.  So I heard "ruudub .... ruuubud .... duuub ... duuug...." ... I finally understood that he was saying - "DOG!".  Why, you ask?  There was a tiny dog in the yard we were walking by and if Dog sees another dog, he goes bonkers.  Wheeler, seeing the potential for disaster involved with me, a leash, and a kid on roller blades, was wisely trying to warn me. 

Unfortunately it was too late.  Dog spied little dog and lunged towards it.  That nearly pulled my left arm out of my socket (thankfully, this was my uninjured shoulder), which pulled Offspring on his blades.  Then Dog decided to prance in an excited circle, so my arm wrenched the other arm,  Offspring started twirling the other way and Dog just kept going such that we all made two complete revolutions.  The entire time I just kept thinking that one or more of us was going to break one or more bones.  And Dog was barking and prancing and jumping like a wild animal.  I kept trying to let go of Offspring's hand so he could skate safely away, but he had a death grip on me and I never found a good chance to let him go anyway. 

Normally this story would have ended in a trip to the hospital (or minimally a destroyed pair of pants or dropping my phone), but it didn't.  It ended with me finally gaining control of Dog, then we all burst into hysterical laughter.  Wheeler was watching the whole thing with his mouth agape, wondering how the hell we all survived unscathed.

Next time, I'll pay attention more the first time Wheeler says something!

Our Modern Family

We are hooked on Modern Family.  Its on Wednesday nights on ABC and its a really great show.  I even let Offspring watch it, and while about half of it goes right over his head (thankfully!), he does understand alot of it and the humor is quirky .... much like my own wit has known to be at times. The show is a sitcom without a laugh track.  I have a well known anaphylactic (Wheeler would say apocalyptic) reaction to laugh tracks, which is why I hate sitcoms.  But I like this one alot.  If you don't watch the show, a) what rock have you been under? and b) you should start watching it.  It is the story of an extended family and their various conventional and unconventional parts interacting in the real world of boring everyday things, somehow made funny.  Kinda 30-something crossed with Seinfeld.  And to be honest, that's what our lives are alot like - boring everyday things, but I usually get a laugh* from it. 

Let's see: a long suffering dude in a giant chin-controlled wheelchair married to a klutzy air-headed, yet brilliant** wife searching for the meaning of life, who despite being in her 40s (early 40s mind you), still loves the Black Eyed Peas and Eminem (hence, the long suffering part on the wheelchair dude's part). Then throw in Uncle Air Force living with us, a man who used to teach survival tactics in the service and regales us with all sorts of stories about eating bugs and such (at dinner usually).  Also add a pinch of an adorable and hysterically funny (and sometimes very ill behaved) 10 year old boy, a persnickety poodle who goes to prison once a week, and who literally won't leave the porch if it's raining and will hold his pee for up to a documented 23 hours.  Then add in the Tea Party parents just up the block, and a supporting cast that includes a Mensa member who I'm pretty sure is actually me but in another body in another state, two sets of drop dead gorgeous identical twins, a gaggle of devoted hockey fans (in the south no less) and and that's just the folks who would make regular appearances in our Modern Family show.  We have a whole lotta other friends that would spice things up for our annual Halloween special and our Very Special Christmas Episode.

Yes, I think we would make a nifty version of Modern Family.  

* It beats crying

** I actually am smart, I promise. I just don't seem like it most of the time, I know, I know. If you don't believe me, what's 7 * 4?  Its 28!  See, I wrote it down even faster than you thought of it.  So there.

Serendiptous shampoo

Wheeler frequently has an itchy head, and because he has no arm function whatsoever, he is often in misery from having an itchy scalp and no way to scratch it. We have tried a million anti-itch / anti-dandruff shampoos and a few are ok, but none have really helped substantially. Lately, Dog has the same problem - minus the paralysis!  When I was at the pet store the other day buying food, I found some "hot spot & anti-itch" shampoo that is medicated with lidocaine and hydrocortisone - it is an over the counter shampoo. So in a "keep your peanut butter out of my chocolate, keep your chocolate out of my peanut butter" moment, I realized as I was washing Dog with it (and letting it sit for 10 mins, I had alot of time to think this over - just try staring at a wet dog for 10 minutes, you'll see what I mean) that this could be perfect for Wheeler. So the next time Wheeler was in the the shower, I washed his hair with Dog's shampoo. It turned out to be a match made in heaven. I wash his hair, massage it in deeply with my fingers and let it sit on his head for 5-10 minutes. Him in previous sentences applies to both Dog and Wheeler.  Consider this my public service message for the day.