Not what I had in mind

After I spent a long time deep cleaning the master bedroom and bath today, I noticed the dog beds really stunk - so I sprayed them (the beds, not the dogs) with Febreze. The dogs were not appreciative. They took one sniff, walked away and instead took up residence on the bed. This was not exactly what I had in mind....

An acute case of teenager-itis

"You don't get ANYTHING mom!!!" Wait, wait! Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, out of MY 13 year old mouth.... I would like to henceforth issue a heartfelt apology to my mother and present her a medal for for not killing me.

He's a TEENAGER!!

How on earth did that happen?

My adorable little baby boy is a teenager now.  And now that he is a teenager here are the only responses I get from him, no matter the question:

Rrrrrrmmmmphhfffttt.

I dunno.  

Seriously, that's it.  "How was school"  Rrrrrrmmmmphhfffttt.  Do you have any homework?  I dunno. Are you hungry - do you want me to make dinner now?  Rrrrrrmmmmphhfffttt.  Would you like me to give you a million dollars?  Rrrrrrmmmmphhfffttt.

And his hair is a big giant shaggy mess.  And he lives in his boy cave upstairs.  He has completely overtaken the upstairs - his room, the toy room (although he probably now would object to that area being called the "toy" room) and the guest room.  And my Felix Unger has now turned into a slob!!  What happened to my neat-as-a-pin, couldn't go to school until his room was straightened up and bed made boy?  And oh my god, he talks on the phone CONSTANTLY.  I remember doing that as a kid.

We force him every night to have one unplugged hour of family time, where he has to spend the time with us, talking - or if not talking, at least being with us.  He is none to happy with that arrangement, but the beatings will continue until morale improves!

Yeah, yup, uh-huh, teenager years have struck.

 

The little nut who held her ground

On July 17th, I made a pact with myself to walk for 30 minutes a day, for 30 days in a row.  Every day, no excuses, rain or shine, no matter how I felt that day.  And I did it.  The first 7 days I walked.  Then during the 2nd week, I jogged for 2 minutes - just to see if I could.

It nearly killed me.  Seriously.  It was HORRIBLE.  

But then, the next day, I jogged 2.5 minutes. Just because I knew that I could do 2 minutes and what was another 30 seconds? And the day after, 3 minutes.  I slowly increased my time to the point that by 20 days in, I ran an entire mile in 18 minutes!!!  This was a whopping pace of 3.33 mph, which is slower than many people walk but for me, was a massive victory.  I picked my feet up off the ground for the whole mile, so I was jogging, no matter how slowly.  And as something I read said "No matter how slow I run, I'm still lapping the guy sitting on the couch".  I continued to add distance, and my times improved.  

I got to my promised to myself 30 day mark, when I decided to do something totally crazy - I set my sights on competing in a 5K.  A 5K is 3.2 miles people - miles!  Less than 30 days before, I had been 100% sedentary, completely and totally out of shape.  And I was at the point were I could jog (slowly) 1 mile.  How could I ever expect to run 3.2 miles continuously?  Here's what happened:

I did it. I trained hard, I worked hard, and in less than 60 days from my starting from sedentary date, I ran a 5K continuously.  My time was 49:13, which didn't exactly break any land speed records, but you know what record it broke?  MINE!  I had not run that far since I was 14 years old.  And I trained from 1 mile to triple my mileage - 3.2 - in 30 days.  

Now after my 5K, I have been running 2-3 miles a day routinely - 3 miles being approximately a 5K. It's amazing to me that I can easily run a 5K on a Sunday afternoon as my normal run.  I say easily, but nothing about running is easy for me.  I read all these things by people who run, who talk about how much they just love to run, love the feeling of it, etc, etc.  Me?  Not so much. I pretty much hate it the entire time I'm running.  At any point along the way, I'd much rather be sitting on the couch eating bon bons.  Running is not fun in this body (yet anyway, maybe another (mumble, mumble) pounds lighter and I'll change my tune).  Running is hard work.  I don't like it.  But I DO IT.  Because it is good for my physical and mental health and it sets a good healthy example for my son about healthful living.  

But now I have made a commitment to run a 10K race 37 days from now.  Currently I can only run 3 miles comfortably. And by comfortably, I mean without dying.  I have to more than double my mileage to 6.2 in little over a month.  But I didn't think I could achieve the 5K and I did.  So I should let history be my guide - I can do this.  

I have been letting my nerves get the better of me in facing down this HUGE AUDACIOUS MASSIVE goal, but a phrase I read somewhere really rang true for me.  It is now my mantra, and I say it to myself over and over and over again in my head when I run and I think I can't go on any further.  

"The tallest, mightiest oak in the forest was once a little nut that held his ground." 

So.  A 10K in 37 days.  Ridiculously ambitious, scary to contemplate, and exciting to imagine achieving.  I think I'll hold my ground.  

Leftovers

Setting: me, heating up a truly lousy leftover dinner for Wheeler. 

Me: (feeds dinner to him)

Him: Was this dinner any better when it was fresh?

Me: No. 

Him: I don't suppose you'd go get me a Greek gyro and hummus, I really super have a craving for Greek. 

Me: No.

Him: You do know that you suck as a human being, right?

Me: Yes.

Bawahahahaha!

Trapped in the 70s

Help me, I'm trapped in the 1970s - Wheeler bought two SACDs* of Queen and Pink Floyd and now has them intolerably loud with a grin ear to ear on his face. Hey, the guy is stuck in bed with a pressure sore. He deserves something that gives him some happiness!

[* Super Audio CD ... which as far as I can figure just means it costs a WHOLE lot more money!!]

A new tea kettle

So my tea kettle has rust spots on the inside, and thus I need a new one (since being on my Teavana kick, I make tea twice a day minimum and hence I've been noticing all the rust on the inside). 

Somehow I ended up spending almost an hour researching tea kettles on amazon, reading reviews (who knew people actually spend time reviewing tea kettles and posting them on the internet for people to read!?). I ended up with this baby.

Dogley and Swiss train schedules

Offspring has band practice after school and Dogley is beside himself that Offspring hasn't come home at his completely punctual 2:43 pm. He comes over here to me and barks at me, then walks to the front door grousing, then walks to me ad barks, then back again, over and over, like "WHERE IS HE?!?".

Tornado??

Now that's a serious tornado cloud.  It was over our pool at SWIM PRACTICE!  Needless to say, practice was instantly cancelled and everyone hightailed it home. And there was no tornado.  It just looked like there would be.

On being old and out of touch

Now that Offspring is turning 13 in the relatively near future, I asked if he wanted to get a facebook account in after his birthday later this year. He shrugged and said maybe, but that it was mostly for old people (LOL). He said that what he really wanted was instagram and snapflash - or flashchat - or snapchat or some such thing. I had absolutely NO idea what it was he was talking about. I honestly had to look it up on wikipedia. I am officially old!

Hooked on Teavana

I am freaking HOOKED on Teavana.  It is a seriously EXPENSIVE habit to have too.  The tea is about $40-60 per 8 ozs... yes, you read that right, per 8 OUNCES.  But it is sooooooo good.  Here is my Teavana shrine in my kitchen.  I have oodles of tea blends, as can be plainly seen.  

I drink tea twice a day minimum and brew it in this special Teavana brewing cup, which I don't know how I lived without before now.  (I have the purple one)  

It's nifty because it has a brewing basket inside of it that you fill with your tea, then you lift it out and place it inside the top of the lid.  Then the screw top part of the lid has a button that allows the tea to come out as a to-go type cup.  It's an ingenious design.  

This blend is my favorite - its a chai and MAN o MAN is it good.  

If you've not tried Teavana, DON'T.  It will eat a hole in your wallet.  But if you ignore my advice, you'll certainly enjoy it.  

Today is the 25th anniversary of Wheeler's spinal cord injury

May 22, 2013

May 22, 2012

May 22, 2011

May 22, 2010

May 22, 2009

May 22, 2008

May 22, 2007

May 22, 2006

May 22, 2005

May 22, 2004

May 22, 2003

May 22, 2002

May 22, 2001

May 22, 2000

May 22, 1999

May 22, 1998

May 22, 1997

May 22, 1996

May 22, 1995

May 22, 1994

May 22, 1993

May 22, 1992

May 22, 1992

May 22, 1991

May 22, 1990

May 22, 1989

May 22, 1988

Wine in a red Solo cup

So last night I was drinking wine from a red plastic cup. Offspring said to me "Mom! Is that WINE in a red solo cup???" I said "Yes?" to which he eye rolled and replied "Classy mom. Reallllll classy". I almost spit my wine out laughing. 

I can't help if I'm a little bit trashy .... it's part of my charm. 

Mother's Day gift

So for weeks I've been hassling Offspring about pounding rocks together, it was making holes in the driveway. Then he gave it to me yesterday. It was a Mother's Day gift. He had pounded it into a heart shape for me. Melt....

Which goes where?

I just put a bottle cap in the drawer and threw away the bottle opener. 

I think I should slow down....

Co-ed

Offspring's second helping of pasta tonight was mix of gluten and gluten-free. He quipped "Thanks for the co-ed plate mom!"

Just exactly what am I supposed to do?

Wheeler has two pressure sores. One aggravated by laying down, one aggravated by sitting up in his chair. What am I supposed to do - hang him by his feet? ARGH! 

On becoming a teenager

My son (formerly little boy) is morphing into a teenager. The evidence is mounting:

A) for the first time ever in his life, he has expressed an actual opinion about his hairstyle


B) I caught him singing to pop music and further, he knows who is who in the world of pop music

C) he has been sleepy lately, just the other day he came home from school and promptly fell asleep sprawled out on the couch

D) he has been eating like a billy goat (a HUNGRY billy goat)

E) a sudden lack of responsiveness when queried on any topic ("fine", "whatever", "I dunno") coupled frequently with eye rolling so expansive I'm pretty sure they'll get stuck in the back of his head

Yup, 13, here we come!

A loud frog

A very loud (and I mean loud) frog or gecko has taken up residence beneath our dining room window, which also happens to be very near Uncle Air Force's bedroom window. He (the frog, not UAF) makes this unbelievable noise periodically, day and night, and it really is quite a clatter. 

In desperation, UAF went outside to, as he put it, "punt him through the goal posts of life" but the offender runs silent runs deep whenever he goes outside.

So we all are stuck listening to this frog make a complete and total racket. I bet you anything that the neighbor across the street can hear it at her house since her front door is about 30 yards from the offending frog's bush aka hiding spot.

Anybody know how to lure a frog / gecko / very loud small animal away from one's window?? We can even hear it in our master bedroom on the dead opposite side of the house. He's been singing his song, croaking his croak, yelling his tribal yell for a few days now and it's getting seriously old!

At the store

At store today with Offspring: Sit down. Lift your feet up. Stop doing that. Sit down I said. Stop it! Please come here. Again, I said stop that. Come here. Sit down! Tie your shoes. Stop making that noise. TIE YOUR SHOES. Stop that. Sit in the cart!!!! 

How old is he again? (12 for those not keeping track!!)

Pit bulls

No Working During....

This is my mantra....

8 years

Happy anniversary to me and Wheeler!  8 years and counting......

Not a wimp

The other day, Offspring had a back baby tooth crack and crumble at the top, so the dentist had to positively YANK it out (it was not ready to come out at all so it was really stuck in his gum hard). But that brave boy sat there and just took it like a total man. I was so impressed!! I would have been demanding drugs and sobbing. He even staunchly refused ibuprofen afterwards. 

Not a wimp, that one!

His WHO?

Wheeler had cataract surgery last week.  At the registration, we both sat there as the admissions clerk (an older lady) ran through all the questions, which Wheeler duly answered.  I got out his insurance cards of course, since he is paralyzed from the neck down (this factors in again in a moment, so don't forget this part).  After all the questions were done, she printed the arm band, walked around her desk to us and said to Wheeler

"Which arm do you want it on?"

To which he politely, not flippantly, replied, something along the lines of

"It doesn't really matter".

Then, she looks STRAIGHT AT ME, full in the face, and says this.  Brace yourself.

"Mom?  Which arm?"

I totally frickin' shit you not.

Wheeler then indignantly and rather forcefully corrected her:

"That's my WIFE"

To which she replied:

"She's your wife??" in a very shocked tone.

Lots of layers to unpack here, am I right?  Let's start with the obvious.  Even if I had a child at a young age, that would make me at least in my mid 60s. Even on my worst day of my life, there is no possible way that ANYONE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET would think I am in my 60s.  Oh wait, except her.

Actually, though I don't even think she thought I was in my 60s.  I don't think she even saw me as a person.  She saw me in my "role" - my caregiver role.  Who would be with a man totally paralyzed from the neck down?  Well, only his mother of course, because of course people like that would never have a normal life and anyone other than his mother come to the hospital with him.  Or oh my god, get (gasp!) married!!  I mean, what would be the point of that for the girl eh?

I am just so angry about this that I could spit nails.

Break a leg

It's been a long time since I auditioned for anything.  Since high school in fact.  Which I won't put how many years ago that was to protect the innocent.  But last night I auditioned to be in this interesting  show called Listen To Your Mother Show.  From their website:

A national series of live readings by local writers in celebration of Mothers Day. Born of the creative work of mothers who publish online, each production is directed, produced and performed by local communities, for local communities.  

We’re casting a show of about twelve readers whose pieces will fit together in some kind of flow. Some will be funny, some sad, some both. But we have no preconceived notions going into auditions, no slots to fill or boxes we’re looking to check. The best thing you can do is show us what Deb Rox calls “the incredible youness of you.”

Bring in something that you love, something that you feel strongly about, something that you want people to hear said. Bring in the story that only you can tell. Even if you’re talking about something about motherhood that’s totally universal (like sleep deprivation?), find a way to make it uniquely yours.

My piece was Rabbit Autopsy, written when Offspring was 6 years old*.  It is certainly only a story I can tell, and indeed shows the incredible (me-ness) of (me).  I have a free styling, non traditional form of parenting and this story is emblematic of that approach.

To get into the show, I first had to submit my piece in writing for selection to audition verbally.  I made it past the first hurdle and was asked to audition verbally.  The audition was last night.  It was held in the home of one of the organizers, and I made sure that I got there very early - I was 45 minutes early because I was afraid I'd get lost on the way there and I certainly didn't want to miss my big chance to be the next Garrison Keiller.

I sat in the car, watching other auditioning women stream in and out of the house.  I read my piece out loud about 4 times, after which I got rather sick of hearing myself talk.  I had brought my Kindle, so I sat and read my Kindle, trying not to get nervous.  At the appointed hour, I went into the house and awaited my turn in the laundry room turned green room.  And let me tell you, this was the greatest laundry room in the history of laundry rooms.  It was HUGE and doubled as a sewing room.  I was green (in the green room, ha) with envy.

One of the woman came down to get me at exactly 8 pm, my audition time.  We made a little small talk and then I read my piece.  It was over before I knew it and then I left.  I honestly don't think that I did very well - I think that I was nervous and that it showed.  But I did my best and that's all I can do.  So we'll see if I make it into the show.  That would be uber cool but I'm not pinning my hopes on it. They said that at this point they are trying to make a show that flows together well, less judging what is good, so who knows if I'll make it in.

But I can bet you any amount of money that I'm the only mom that talked about an animal autopsy!


*he is now 12, I don't really know how that happened.

2:41 pm

Every weekday, Dogley goes to the front door at exactly 2:41.  At exactly 2:43, Offspring appears and comes through the door.

Every.

Day.

Dogley has supersonic hearing and hears the bus 2 blocks away.

$120 toilet paper

That's how much toilet paper costs at Sam's.

Well, that and all the stuff I bought along with the toilet paper I went to buy.  Which was the only reason I went.

Strange bedfellows

Aside from being a serious ethical breach, I went to WalMart today.  The guy behind us in line had two items in his cart: prune juice and ammo.  Can you imagine the list hanging on the refrigerator at his house?

1. Prune juice
2. Ammunition

I have been one upped in the funny department.