Lockup

Bailiff: All rise, the Honorable Judge Let-Me-Out is approaching the bench.  Court is now in session.

Judge: Please sit.

(pause as the gallery all sits)

Judge: Wheeler LastName, please rise for the reading of the charges.

Wheeler: Ummmmmm…….

Judge: Oh. Errr, never mind.  It says here that you have been arrested for an intractable urinary tract infection, sepsis and a Stage 3 pressure sore.  Are you guilty or not guilty of these grave offenses?

Wheeler: I’m afraid that I am fully guilty, your honor.

Judge: It is my understanding that you have been in Rex Lockup for 9 days serving time awaiting your sentencing.  Today I will hear your statement so that I may render the most appropriate sentence.

Wheeler: Judge, I am an upstanding citizen.  Wait, scratch that.  I am a down-sitting citizen. I have truly suffered while here in Rex Lockup and have learned from my medical mishaps.  To that end, I have been prodded, scanned, x-rayed, MRIed, palpated, the pressure sore on my butt has been roto-rooted, I have been turned every two hours round the clock, I’ve had my blood pressure taken every 4 hours, I’ve had antibiotics hung every 8 hours and none of these ever seem to coincide with each other. I have been stuck like a pin cushion every day while here, sometimes multiple times a day.  Despite all of this, I have displayed an excellent attitude through all of these indignities, which I believe you should consider in your sentencing.   Furthermore, I desperately miss my own bed, the ability to use my computer, lights, fan and being able to drink water independently from my cup at home.  And I miss sleeping next to our dogs who are too in lockup at the vet.  I long for my wife’s excellent home cooking as compared to the fairly tasty, but now becoming monotonous Rex Lockup food.  Lastly, my wife is a caregiver extraordinaire – who can perform minor brain surgery among other feats because it is considered “custodial care” by our insurance company – so she can surely handle management of the PICC line and antibiotics once released – should you choose to release me. 

Judge: Well, those are certainly excellent points Mr. Harris.  My ruling is as follows: You are to be released, conditional upon negative blood cultures through Monday morning, to the custody of your wife at your home.  You will be on home arrest however, for 4 weeks during which time you must fully comply with vancomycin treatment.  After home arrest is completed, you will be on parole until your pressure sore is healed and you will be unable to be in your wheelchair during this period of parole. Please don’t let me regret this sentence.  Don’t come back here anytime soon!! 

Wheeler:  Thank you Your Honor!!!!

Blogauthor: (high fives Wheeler’s head)