Waiter: Hello sir, I see you have just arrived by ambulance. How many are in your party today?
Wheeler: Just one for now, but my lovely wife will be joining me for dinner soon.
Waiter: Well, I have a nice gurney waiting for you right now, and a very uncomfortable chair for your wife.
Wheeler: Why thank you, that would be perfect.
Waiter: And what would you like to drink? We have IV saline, IV morphine, and IV glucose.
Wheeler: I’ll think that I’ll go with the saline.
Waiter: Very good sir, stick out your arm and I’ll place the IV. While I prepare your pre-dinner IV drinks, what can I offer you as an appetizer?
Wheeler: Well, I really love the antibiotics you have listed on your menu, but it’s just too hard to choose amongst them. What do you recommend?
Waiter: Well sir, for that, I’ll need to bring in our Head Waiter.
(Head Waiter comes in): Sir, given your particulars, I would recommend aztreonam. It has a wonderful bouquet that leaves a citrus taste on the palette. I’m certain your bacteria will enjoy it.
Wheeler: Well that settles it, aztreonam it is!
(Waiter serves IV aztreonam to Chad)
(Time passes)
(Blogauthor arrives and flashes gold plated insurance coverage cards to admitting staff)
(Wheeler & Blogauthor miraculously moved upstairs to a private dining room)
Waiter: Sir, as you can see, we now have you in our Special Isolation Private Dining Experience Suite. What will you be having for your entrée this evening? Our Head Waiter recommends for you the Special of The Day: vancomycin. It is powder that is carefully reconstituted in our gourmet kitchen with sterile water procured from a babbling brook in France, then refrigerated to bring out the exquisite metallic flavor. We also have a recommended side dish of dilaudid which makes an excellent accompaniment to the vancomycin. It has a spicy and bold flavor and makes you forget things.
Wheeler: That sounds amazing, I’ll have both!
Waiter: And what will your wife be having?
Blogauthor: I’ll just have a Snickers bar and diet Coke please.
Head Waiter summons Waiter to bring Chad’s entrée, which is added to his flavorful appetizer and drink in his IV.
(Time passes)
(More time passes)
(A LOT more time passes)
(Seasons change)
Waiter: Will you be having any dessert?
Wheeler: I was thinking a PICC line would be an excellent ending to this outstanding meal.
Waiter: Well our Head Waiter is in charge of baking PICC lines and will only be able to do so with 3 days notice, so if you don’t mind waiting, then we’d be happy to serve this to you.
Wheeler: Well, why not! It’s so exciting in here! We love watching the walls, counting sheep, and we have been praying fervently for a painter to come in so that we can watch paint dry.
Waiter: Fantastic, sir. We’ll be back in 3 days with that for you.
Wheeler: We’ll be here! Thanks so much for your excellent service so far!
Waiter: Our pleasure.
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