Judge Judy?

Date: February 24, 2014

Case: 1

Judges: Esteemed friends 

Matter pending: Presence or absence of fan

Explanation of Circumstances: Complainant Wife likes the bedroom to be a sauna. In addition to said sauna, she likes to wear long sleeves, long pants and sleep under a heavy comforter. Defendant Husband would prefer to sleep naked in an igloo with air conditioning. On the night of February 23, 2014, the defendant somehow convinced the complainant to put a clip on fan on the bed because he was so hot that he claimed he might actually melt. Fearing for his life, complainant complied with the clip on fan request.

Damages claimed: The air blowing on complainant froze her so that she was now in the air conditioned igloo and she has frostbite. Defendant suffered bleeding from the ears from nonstop bitching and moaning, as well as a headache.

Your findings? Does the fan stay or go? Damages to either party?

Not what I had in mind

After I spent a long time deep cleaning the master bedroom and bath today, I noticed the dog beds really stunk - so I sprayed them (the beds, not the dogs) with Febreze. The dogs were not appreciative. They took one sniff, walked away and instead took up residence on the bed. This was not exactly what I had in mind....

An acute case of teenager-itis

"You don't get ANYTHING mom!!!" Wait, wait! Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, out of MY 13 year old mouth.... I would like to henceforth issue a heartfelt apology to my mother and present her a medal for for not killing me.

He's a TEENAGER!!

How on earth did that happen?

My adorable little baby boy is a teenager now.  And now that he is a teenager here are the only responses I get from him, no matter the question:

Rrrrrrmmmmphhfffttt.

I dunno.  

Seriously, that's it.  "How was school"  Rrrrrrmmmmphhfffttt.  Do you have any homework?  I dunno. Are you hungry - do you want me to make dinner now?  Rrrrrrmmmmphhfffttt.  Would you like me to give you a million dollars?  Rrrrrrmmmmphhfffttt.

And his hair is a big giant shaggy mess.  And he lives in his boy cave upstairs.  He has completely overtaken the upstairs - his room, the toy room (although he probably now would object to that area being called the "toy" room) and the guest room.  And my Felix Unger has now turned into a slob!!  What happened to my neat-as-a-pin, couldn't go to school until his room was straightened up and bed made boy?  And oh my god, he talks on the phone CONSTANTLY.  I remember doing that as a kid.

We force him every night to have one unplugged hour of family time, where he has to spend the time with us, talking - or if not talking, at least being with us.  He is none to happy with that arrangement, but the beatings will continue until morale improves!

Yeah, yup, uh-huh, teenager years have struck.

 

The little nut who held her ground

On July 17th, I made a pact with myself to walk for 30 minutes a day, for 30 days in a row.  Every day, no excuses, rain or shine, no matter how I felt that day.  And I did it.  The first 7 days I walked.  Then during the 2nd week, I jogged for 2 minutes - just to see if I could.

It nearly killed me.  Seriously.  It was HORRIBLE.  

But then, the next day, I jogged 2.5 minutes. Just because I knew that I could do 2 minutes and what was another 30 seconds? And the day after, 3 minutes.  I slowly increased my time to the point that by 20 days in, I ran an entire mile in 18 minutes!!!  This was a whopping pace of 3.33 mph, which is slower than many people walk but for me, was a massive victory.  I picked my feet up off the ground for the whole mile, so I was jogging, no matter how slowly.  And as something I read said "No matter how slow I run, I'm still lapping the guy sitting on the couch".  I continued to add distance, and my times improved.  

I got to my promised to myself 30 day mark, when I decided to do something totally crazy - I set my sights on competing in a 5K.  A 5K is 3.2 miles people - miles!  Less than 30 days before, I had been 100% sedentary, completely and totally out of shape.  And I was at the point were I could jog (slowly) 1 mile.  How could I ever expect to run 3.2 miles continuously?  Here's what happened:

I did it. I trained hard, I worked hard, and in less than 60 days from my starting from sedentary date, I ran a 5K continuously.  My time was 49:13, which didn't exactly break any land speed records, but you know what record it broke?  MINE!  I had not run that far since I was 14 years old.  And I trained from 1 mile to triple my mileage - 3.2 - in 30 days.  

Now after my 5K, I have been running 2-3 miles a day routinely - 3 miles being approximately a 5K. It's amazing to me that I can easily run a 5K on a Sunday afternoon as my normal run.  I say easily, but nothing about running is easy for me.  I read all these things by people who run, who talk about how much they just love to run, love the feeling of it, etc, etc.  Me?  Not so much. I pretty much hate it the entire time I'm running.  At any point along the way, I'd much rather be sitting on the couch eating bon bons.  Running is not fun in this body (yet anyway, maybe another (mumble, mumble) pounds lighter and I'll change my tune).  Running is hard work.  I don't like it.  But I DO IT.  Because it is good for my physical and mental health and it sets a good healthy example for my son about healthful living.  

But now I have made a commitment to run a 10K race 37 days from now.  Currently I can only run 3 miles comfortably. And by comfortably, I mean without dying.  I have to more than double my mileage to 6.2 in little over a month.  But I didn't think I could achieve the 5K and I did.  So I should let history be my guide - I can do this.  

I have been letting my nerves get the better of me in facing down this HUGE AUDACIOUS MASSIVE goal, but a phrase I read somewhere really rang true for me.  It is now my mantra, and I say it to myself over and over and over again in my head when I run and I think I can't go on any further.  

"The tallest, mightiest oak in the forest was once a little nut that held his ground." 

So.  A 10K in 37 days.  Ridiculously ambitious, scary to contemplate, and exciting to imagine achieving.  I think I'll hold my ground.  

Leftovers

Setting: me, heating up a truly lousy leftover dinner for Wheeler. 

Me: (feeds dinner to him)

Him: Was this dinner any better when it was fresh?

Me: No. 

Him: I don't suppose you'd go get me a Greek gyro and hummus, I really super have a craving for Greek. 

Me: No.

Him: You do know that you suck as a human being, right?

Me: Yes.

Bawahahahaha!

Trapped in the 70s

Help me, I'm trapped in the 1970s - Wheeler bought two SACDs* of Queen and Pink Floyd and now has them intolerably loud with a grin ear to ear on his face. Hey, the guy is stuck in bed with a pressure sore. He deserves something that gives him some happiness!

[* Super Audio CD ... which as far as I can figure just means it costs a WHOLE lot more money!!]

A new tea kettle

So my tea kettle has rust spots on the inside, and thus I need a new one (since being on my Teavana kick, I make tea twice a day minimum and hence I've been noticing all the rust on the inside). 

Somehow I ended up spending almost an hour researching tea kettles on amazon, reading reviews (who knew people actually spend time reviewing tea kettles and posting them on the internet for people to read!?). I ended up with this baby.

Dogley and Swiss train schedules

Offspring has band practice after school and Dogley is beside himself that Offspring hasn't come home at his completely punctual 2:43 pm. He comes over here to me and barks at me, then walks to the front door grousing, then walks to me ad barks, then back again, over and over, like "WHERE IS HE?!?".

Tornado??

Now that's a serious tornado cloud.  It was over our pool at SWIM PRACTICE!  Needless to say, practice was instantly cancelled and everyone hightailed it home. And there was no tornado.  It just looked like there would be.

On being old and out of touch

Now that Offspring is turning 13 in the relatively near future, I asked if he wanted to get a facebook account in after his birthday later this year. He shrugged and said maybe, but that it was mostly for old people (LOL). He said that what he really wanted was instagram and snapflash - or flashchat - or snapchat or some such thing. I had absolutely NO idea what it was he was talking about. I honestly had to look it up on wikipedia. I am officially old!

Hooked on Teavana

I am freaking HOOKED on Teavana.  It is a seriously EXPENSIVE habit to have too.  The tea is about $40-60 per 8 ozs... yes, you read that right, per 8 OUNCES.  But it is sooooooo good.  Here is my Teavana shrine in my kitchen.  I have oodles of tea blends, as can be plainly seen.  

I drink tea twice a day minimum and brew it in this special Teavana brewing cup, which I don't know how I lived without before now.  (I have the purple one)  

It's nifty because it has a brewing basket inside of it that you fill with your tea, then you lift it out and place it inside the top of the lid.  Then the screw top part of the lid has a button that allows the tea to come out as a to-go type cup.  It's an ingenious design.  

This blend is my favorite - its a chai and MAN o MAN is it good.  

If you've not tried Teavana, DON'T.  It will eat a hole in your wallet.  But if you ignore my advice, you'll certainly enjoy it.  

Today is the 25th anniversary of Wheeler's spinal cord injury

May 22, 2013

May 22, 2012

May 22, 2011

May 22, 2010

May 22, 2009

May 22, 2008

May 22, 2007

May 22, 2006

May 22, 2005

May 22, 2004

May 22, 2003

May 22, 2002

May 22, 2001

May 22, 2000

May 22, 1999

May 22, 1998

May 22, 1997

May 22, 1996

May 22, 1995

May 22, 1994

May 22, 1993

May 22, 1992

May 22, 1992

May 22, 1991

May 22, 1990

May 22, 1989

May 22, 1988

Wine in a red Solo cup

So last night I was drinking wine from a red plastic cup. Offspring said to me "Mom! Is that WINE in a red solo cup???" I said "Yes?" to which he eye rolled and replied "Classy mom. Reallllll classy". I almost spit my wine out laughing. 

I can't help if I'm a little bit trashy .... it's part of my charm. 

Mother's Day gift

So for weeks I've been hassling Offspring about pounding rocks together, it was making holes in the driveway. Then he gave it to me yesterday. It was a Mother's Day gift. He had pounded it into a heart shape for me. Melt....

Which goes where?

I just put a bottle cap in the drawer and threw away the bottle opener. 

I think I should slow down....

Co-ed

Offspring's second helping of pasta tonight was mix of gluten and gluten-free. He quipped "Thanks for the co-ed plate mom!"

Just exactly what am I supposed to do?

Wheeler has two pressure sores. One aggravated by laying down, one aggravated by sitting up in his chair. What am I supposed to do - hang him by his feet? ARGH! 

On becoming a teenager

My son (formerly little boy) is morphing into a teenager. The evidence is mounting:

A) for the first time ever in his life, he has expressed an actual opinion about his hairstyle


B) I caught him singing to pop music and further, he knows who is who in the world of pop music

C) he has been sleepy lately, just the other day he came home from school and promptly fell asleep sprawled out on the couch

D) he has been eating like a billy goat (a HUNGRY billy goat)

E) a sudden lack of responsiveness when queried on any topic ("fine", "whatever", "I dunno") coupled frequently with eye rolling so expansive I'm pretty sure they'll get stuck in the back of his head

Yup, 13, here we come!

A loud frog

A very loud (and I mean loud) frog or gecko has taken up residence beneath our dining room window, which also happens to be very near Uncle Air Force's bedroom window. He (the frog, not UAF) makes this unbelievable noise periodically, day and night, and it really is quite a clatter. 

In desperation, UAF went outside to, as he put it, "punt him through the goal posts of life" but the offender runs silent runs deep whenever he goes outside.

So we all are stuck listening to this frog make a complete and total racket. I bet you anything that the neighbor across the street can hear it at her house since her front door is about 30 yards from the offending frog's bush aka hiding spot.

Anybody know how to lure a frog / gecko / very loud small animal away from one's window?? We can even hear it in our master bedroom on the dead opposite side of the house. He's been singing his song, croaking his croak, yelling his tribal yell for a few days now and it's getting seriously old!