Last night ....
Me: "Ergh. These pants I just bought are too long"
Wheeler: "Maybe your legs are just too short"
She dissolves into a fit of giggles.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Closed loop quad system
Having a quadriplegic husband means I get to do everything twice, and the twice time takes longer. Its harder to brush someone else's teeth than yours, it takes longer to shower someone else than to shower yourself etc. When Wheeler is in bed there are a number of things that need to be done regularly that never, ever, ever, ever seem to end. Just as I think everything is done, something else needs to be done. Filling up his water bottle, giving him meds, emptying the bed bag, range of motion, brushing teeth, moving the straw, moving the blankets and scratching his head/face/shoulders are the primary ones. So I've been daydreaming of a Wallace and Grommit style invention to help me out.
(imagine dreamlike wavy lines here ....)
Patent Application: Q8Y-4726T
Date of Application: April 13, 2009
Invention Name: Closed Loop Quad Containment System
Upon placing one's beloved quadriplegic in bed, hook straw directly up to the city water main for a continuous supply of fresh water. Then, hook catheter bag up to a tube attached to a hole in the floor that runs directly to the city sewer city for disposal. An arm will then come out of the wall and dump a small cup of meds into the mouth using an electronic eye sensor. The medication cup will be filled up by the operator once a month, with dispensing automated. A similar system will dispense toothpaste onto a toothbrush, will brush the teeth and dump mouthwash into the mouth. A spit cup will be presented which will be dumped into the sewer connection previously described. Robotic cushioned claws will then drop down from the ceiling, carefully grasping each limb and will proceed to rotate them around in various directions to fully stretch the major muscle groups. During this, a hand with nice pointy fingernails will come directly out of the wall, grasp the head and will scratch for at least 5 minutes in a circular motion around the head. Once a week, the robotic arms will automatically cut fingernails and toenails. Next, similar to a sprayer car wash, the system will spray a fine mist of baby oil onto each body part to ensure smooth supple skin. The robotic arm will then open the freezer installed next to the bed for the nightly ice cream feeding. It will scoop out ice cream, feed it to the subject, then rinse and steam wash the bowl and return it to the bowl holder system for the next day. After completion of all tasks, the robotic claws will pull the sheet and blanket up over the head.
Wouldn't that be nice? I guess it's kinda hard to appreciate the constantcy of it until you do this stuff day in and day out for years. When I went to NZ, our PCA nearly flipped out from the stress of 24/7 care and she only did it for 16 days. In a way I felt triumphant upon my return - "HA! See, I am goddess of caregiving!". Then again, it also showed me just how much I do .... which I try not to think about too much or it overwhelms me.
But when I patent my quad containment system, I'll have alot less work to do.
Closed loop quad containment system
Having a quadriplegic husband means I get to do everything twice, and the twice time takes longer. Its harder to brush someone else's teeth than yours, it takes longer to shower someone else than to shower yourself etc. When Wheeler is in bed there are a number of things that need to be done regularly that never, ever, ever, ever seem to end. Just as I think everything is done, something else needs to be done. Filling up his water bottle, giving him meds, emptying the bed bag, range of motion, brushing teeth, moving the straw, moving the blankets and scratching his head/face/shoulders are the primary ones. So I've been daydreaming of a Wallace and Grommit style invention to help me out.
(imagine dreamlike wavy lines here ....)
Patent Application: Q8Y-4726T
Date of Application: April 13, 2009
Invention Name: Closed Loop Quad Containment System
Upon placing one's beloved quadriplegic in bed, hook straw directly up to the city water main for a continuous supply of fresh water. Then, hook catheter bag up to a tube attached to a hole in the floor that runs directly to the city sewer city for disposal. An arm will then come out of the wall and dump a small cup of meds into the mouth using an electronic eye sensor. The medication cup will be filled up by the operator once a month, with dispensing automated. A similar system will dispense toothpaste onto a toothbrush, will brush the teeth and dump mouthwash into the mouth. A spit cup will be presented which will be dumped into the sewer connection previously described. Robotic cushioned claws will then drop down from the ceiling, carefully grasping each limb and will proceed to rotate them around in various directions to fully stretch the major muscle groups. During this, a hand with nice pointy fingernails will come directly out of the wall, grasp the head and will scratch for at least 5 minutes in a circular motion around the head. Once a week, the robotic arms will automatically cut fingernails and toenails. Next, similar to a sprayer car wash, the system will spray a fine mist of baby oil onto each body part to ensure smooth supple skin. The robotic arm will then open the freezer installed next to the bed for the nightly ice cream feeding. It will scoop out ice cream, feed it to the subject, then rinse and steam wash the bowl and return it to the bowl holder system for the next day. After completion of all tasks, the robotic claws will pull the sheet and blanket up over the head.
Wouldn't that be nice? I guess it's kinda hard to appreciate the constantcy of it until you do this stuff day in and day out for years. When I went to NZ, our PCA nearly flipped out from the stress of 24/7 care and she only did it for 16 days. And his mom literally fled the house after less than 72 hours of caregiving when I went to Portland (leaving before I was even back!). In a way I felt triumphant upon my returns - "HA! See, I am goddess of caregiving!". Then again, it also showed me just how much I do .... which I try not to think about too much or it overwhelms me.
But when I patent my quad containment system, I'll have alot less work to do.
(imagine dreamlike wavy lines here ....)
Patent Application: Q8Y-4726T
Date of Application: April 13, 2009
Invention Name: Closed Loop Quad Containment System
Upon placing one's beloved quadriplegic in bed, hook straw directly up to the city water main for a continuous supply of fresh water. Then, hook catheter bag up to a tube attached to a hole in the floor that runs directly to the city sewer city for disposal. An arm will then come out of the wall and dump a small cup of meds into the mouth using an electronic eye sensor. The medication cup will be filled up by the operator once a month, with dispensing automated. A similar system will dispense toothpaste onto a toothbrush, will brush the teeth and dump mouthwash into the mouth. A spit cup will be presented which will be dumped into the sewer connection previously described. Robotic cushioned claws will then drop down from the ceiling, carefully grasping each limb and will proceed to rotate them around in various directions to fully stretch the major muscle groups. During this, a hand with nice pointy fingernails will come directly out of the wall, grasp the head and will scratch for at least 5 minutes in a circular motion around the head. Once a week, the robotic arms will automatically cut fingernails and toenails. Next, similar to a sprayer car wash, the system will spray a fine mist of baby oil onto each body part to ensure smooth supple skin. The robotic arm will then open the freezer installed next to the bed for the nightly ice cream feeding. It will scoop out ice cream, feed it to the subject, then rinse and steam wash the bowl and return it to the bowl holder system for the next day. After completion of all tasks, the robotic claws will pull the sheet and blanket up over the head.
Wouldn't that be nice? I guess it's kinda hard to appreciate the constantcy of it until you do this stuff day in and day out for years. When I went to NZ, our PCA nearly flipped out from the stress of 24/7 care and she only did it for 16 days. And his mom literally fled the house after less than 72 hours of caregiving when I went to Portland (leaving before I was even back!). In a way I felt triumphant upon my returns - "HA! See, I am goddess of caregiving!". Then again, it also showed me just how much I do .... which I try not to think about too much or it overwhelms me.
But when I patent my quad containment system, I'll have alot less work to do.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Levels of house cleanliness
Here is my hierarchy of house cleanlieness:
- This isn't my house
- Just after a major cleaning (1x a year max)
- Straightened up pretty darn good
- Presentable enough
- Well, at least I can see the floor
- Oh, whatever, just walk around the piles
- Really awful, only nonjudgemental friends allowed
- Truly mortifying
- Truly mortifying, even to me
- I'd turn away an ambulance crew saving my life
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
My son, budding thespian
Offspring has a love-hate relationship with school. He hates being there, he loves not being there. I honestly have no clue how to deal with this as I was a people-pleasing-straight-A-even-in-kindergarten kind of kid. My brother was the one who hated school (and we all know how badly he turned out, so maybe I should quit worrying about Offspring). But today was different. A few days ago he started telling me that he COULD NOT BE ABSENT Wed. When I asked why, it was because last week they were assigned in small groups* to write a play then act it out in front of the class today. He was in a group of all boys, and all boys who love Star Wars more than pizza and Wii combined. Of course, they chose to act out Star Wars. Not just Star Wars, but Star Wars the Clone Wars Episode 7, Part B, right before the commercial, you know that part where they fight Bahzoomba the Bad Guy. Approximately.
He has been jumping up and down all week in excitement over it. He has been practicing at home every night, he made 3 light sabers to use in the play, and has been generally over the moon about it. He leapt out of bed this morning and gleefully informed me that today was THE day!!!!! Mom, I totally can't be absent!!!! So totally, like, don't take my tempenture (another adorable mispronounciation I can't bring myself to correct him on) because I could be 128 degrees and I'm totally GOING! Like totally dude, when did I raise a child who says 'totally', like, totally every 3rd sentence? I dutifully did not take his tempenture, and all the way to school he hummed the Star Wars theme really loud, over and over again. He was bouncing up and down in his seat, waving his paper light saber about and rehearsing his lines. He was R2D2. My kid imitating R2D2 is quite funny. I had to stifle my laugh because he doesn't understand the I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at how cute you are thing. He'll understand when he has an offspring.
He has been jumping up and down all week in excitement over it. He has been practicing at home every night, he made 3 light sabers to use in the play, and has been generally over the moon about it. He leapt out of bed this morning and gleefully informed me that today was THE day!!!!! Mom, I totally can't be absent!!!! So totally, like, don't take my tempenture (another adorable mispronounciation I can't bring myself to correct him on) because I could be 128 degrees and I'm totally GOING! Like totally dude, when did I raise a child who says 'totally', like, totally every 3rd sentence? I dutifully did not take his tempenture, and all the way to school he hummed the Star Wars theme really loud, over and over again. He was bouncing up and down in his seat, waving his paper light saber about and rehearsing his lines. He was R2D2. My kid imitating R2D2 is quite funny. I had to stifle my laugh because he doesn't understand the I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at how cute you are thing. He'll understand when he has an offspring.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
How to Choose a Bed Bag
You know, I never would have imagined in my wildest dreams (or shall I say nightmares) that I would at any point in my life become a connoisseur of indwelling catheter bed bags. But I am. And I can tell you that Bard bed bags SUCK. I will hook his catheter up to a ziploc bag before I use one of those again. Why? Let me count the ways.
See that side entry green thingy?
Bard Bed Bag - THEY SUCKThat's the spigot that you use to open and close it so you can drain the urine. Well, it is damn near impossible to open/close it one-handed, which is what one must do because one must be holding the urinal into which the urine drains with one hand. So best case scenario, I end up with urine splashed on the floor and on me in small to medium amounts. But I've been a quad-wife and mom for so long that I don't even care about that. But what I do care about is that the tubing part that connects to the actual catheter is slippery perfect smooth. That means when I put it onto the catheter, it tends to fall off. Kendall bags have a bumpy surface where it connects so that the tubing has something to grab onto and doesn't fall off.
With that as a backdrop .....
One afternoon, I went into the bedroom to give Chad his mid morning meds. For whatever reason, I pulled back the sheet. Oh yeah, I remember now, his stoma has been looking a little funky, so I was checking on it. As I was pulling back the sheet, I glanced down at the bed bag out of habit. The bag was empty. After 12 hours. That can only mean one thing, and one thing only. He is sitting in all of the pee he execreted the previous 12 hours. And urine is very caustic to skin, and his skin is paper thin, particularly on his rump, so I was terrified to see what was in store when I rolled him over to start cleaning him up. Thankfully, he didn't have any skin sores, and even more luckily, I had put down both a big fat sheepskin under him and a heavy duty waterproof bed pad under that, so the urine had not soaked through to the sheet and mattress pads (one waterproof, one regular).
Normally I don't put him on a bed pad, but he has been spasming alot lately because we're trying to down tritate on his baclofen dose, and the increased spasms cause him to wiggle down and around the bed, or twist up sideways. The sheepskin is too stretchy to be an effective draw sheet, so I have been putting pads down under the sheepskin just so I can stand over him in the bed, lean down and hoist his body one way or another, up/down/left/right or some combination thereof. Yes, that scene could be straight out of a porn movie if only it wasn't of a paralyzed man being manhandled by his beleagured tired wife.
I took the sheepskin and bed pad off, tossed them in the hallway and cleaned up every single square inch going from Wheeler's belly button to his knees. I used a water rinse first, then Cetaphil - a heavy application that I gently swabbed off with a moist towel. Then I rinsed him off in water completely again. It took longer than it sounds it would. If I leave even a tiny trace of urine on him anywhere (and conveniently, you can't tell urine from the water when cleaning him), he would potentially get a truly horrendous sore on his skin. As a result, I am verrrrrry careful and thorough when he has urine on him.
I got him all cleaned up, went to the hallway to pick up the wet sheepskin and bed pad only to find Dogette having sex with them. It was utterly shameless - she was rolling in them, over and over and over and over again, just soaking in the scent as much as possible. She would bury her face and nose in the soiled sheepskin and pads, nuzzle hard into the ground, roll over and over, then start again. She was in dog heaven. She's a dog's dog I tell ya. Dogette is a a filthy, disgusting, rolling in pee dog. Needless to say, I sent her outside straightaway (I might have seen her smoking out there?).
The moral of the story: don't ever buy Bard Bed Bags.
See that side entry green thingy?
Bard Bed Bag - THEY SUCKThat's the spigot that you use to open and close it so you can drain the urine. Well, it is damn near impossible to open/close it one-handed, which is what one must do because one must be holding the urinal into which the urine drains with one hand. So best case scenario, I end up with urine splashed on the floor and on me in small to medium amounts. But I've been a quad-wife and mom for so long that I don't even care about that. But what I do care about is that the tubing part that connects to the actual catheter is slippery perfect smooth. That means when I put it onto the catheter, it tends to fall off. Kendall bags have a bumpy surface where it connects so that the tubing has something to grab onto and doesn't fall off. With that as a backdrop .....
One afternoon, I went into the bedroom to give Chad his mid morning meds. For whatever reason, I pulled back the sheet. Oh yeah, I remember now, his stoma has been looking a little funky, so I was checking on it. As I was pulling back the sheet, I glanced down at the bed bag out of habit. The bag was empty. After 12 hours. That can only mean one thing, and one thing only. He is sitting in all of the pee he execreted the previous 12 hours. And urine is very caustic to skin, and his skin is paper thin, particularly on his rump, so I was terrified to see what was in store when I rolled him over to start cleaning him up. Thankfully, he didn't have any skin sores, and even more luckily, I had put down both a big fat sheepskin under him and a heavy duty waterproof bed pad under that, so the urine had not soaked through to the sheet and mattress pads (one waterproof, one regular).
Normally I don't put him on a bed pad, but he has been spasming alot lately because we're trying to down tritate on his baclofen dose, and the increased spasms cause him to wiggle down and around the bed, or twist up sideways. The sheepskin is too stretchy to be an effective draw sheet, so I have been putting pads down under the sheepskin just so I can stand over him in the bed, lean down and hoist his body one way or another, up/down/left/right or some combination thereof. Yes, that scene could be straight out of a porn movie if only it wasn't of a paralyzed man being manhandled by his beleagured tired wife.
I took the sheepskin and bed pad off, tossed them in the hallway and cleaned up every single square inch going from Wheeler's belly button to his knees. I used a water rinse first, then Cetaphil - a heavy application that I gently swabbed off with a moist towel. Then I rinsed him off in water completely again. It took longer than it sounds it would. If I leave even a tiny trace of urine on him anywhere (and conveniently, you can't tell urine from the water when cleaning him), he would potentially get a truly horrendous sore on his skin. As a result, I am verrrrrry careful and thorough when he has urine on him.
I got him all cleaned up, went to the hallway to pick up the wet sheepskin and bed pad only to find Dogette having sex with them. It was utterly shameless - she was rolling in them, over and over and over and over again, just soaking in the scent as much as possible. She would bury her face and nose in the soiled sheepskin and pads, nuzzle hard into the ground, roll over and over, then start again. She was in dog heaven. She's a dog's dog I tell ya. Dogette is a a filthy, disgusting, rolling in pee dog. Needless to say, I sent her outside straightaway (I might have seen her smoking out there?).
The moral of the story: don't ever buy Bard Bed Bags.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I hate days like this
... Wheeler is in a pissy mood. And wants 10 things before I'm up and/or as I start to work, or wants to know the status of the 129 things I have to do but haven't gotten to.
Can you rub my eyes (yes), can you empty the bag (no, its not full yet, I'll do it later), can I get something to eat (yes), can you help me reprogram Axel now pleasssssse??? (no, don't be an idiot! that takes forever), can I get a shower (not yet, you know I have a call at 11)? will you get my prescriptions from Walgreens (yes)? Will you call the dr office and get those other Rxs for me (yes, but later)? Is the closet cleared out yet? (duh, what do you think?) can you put in that Santana CD (... sure, I'll shut the door because I HATE that cd more than anything else on the planet), do we have anything besides water or milk? (no, do you remember me going to the grocery store since you asked me this last night?), your frog's water looks terrible, you should call the store and ask what to do (ok, later). Have you done the taxes? (no). FSA? (no). Is my leg hitting the bedrail?(no). Did you feed the dog? (not yet) Is the cat's litter dirty? (yes, so?)
Ergh. Its gonna be a long Monday.
Can you rub my eyes (yes), can you empty the bag (no, its not full yet, I'll do it later), can I get something to eat (yes), can you help me reprogram Axel now pleasssssse??? (no, don't be an idiot! that takes forever), can I get a shower (not yet, you know I have a call at 11)? will you get my prescriptions from Walgreens (yes)? Will you call the dr office and get those other Rxs for me (yes, but later)? Is the closet cleared out yet? (duh, what do you think?) can you put in that Santana CD (... sure, I'll shut the door because I HATE that cd more than anything else on the planet), do we have anything besides water or milk? (no, do you remember me going to the grocery store since you asked me this last night?), your frog's water looks terrible, you should call the store and ask what to do (ok, later). Have you done the taxes? (no). FSA? (no). Is my leg hitting the bedrail?(no). Did you feed the dog? (not yet) Is the cat's litter dirty? (yes, so?)
Ergh. Its gonna be a long Monday.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Parking at RBC
When we went to the RBC center on Friday, I did my usual blow-past-security and park in the Premier parking area, which has a van handicapped spot of my dreams: huge, huge, huge white hash mark area next to the space, even on the right side so I don't have to back in to bring the ramp down. And its quite literally the very first parking space in front of the doors at RBC. I started parking there "illegally" last year because the non-premier, regular joe h/c spots a) fill up really quickly and b) none of them have sufficient ramp space anyway. By my cones kept getting stolen, so I had to give up. If I parked in a regular spot, or even a regular h/c spot, then we would have to either wait for everyone around us to leave before I could bring the ramp down for Wheeler, or back halfway out of the space to load him in and block everyone trying to get out - and at the end of the game, people are very impatient. I guess a last option would be lower the lift and crush the car next to us, but I don't suppose that would be very nice. As a result, I decided to help myself to the best h/c spot in the world and I simply ignore all the hysterical people lot staff who insist I can't park there. And in fact, after I started parking there, I mentioned it to the head of security at RBC (the real head of security there, there are many weridos who try to stretch their male anatomy by pretending they are a godtobeobeyed), and he said we could park there anytime. You are supposed to have a hang tag to be in the premiere lot, so when I asked him for one in case we would get towed, he said that to authorized towing, it has to go through him. And no matter what, he'd never tow a handicapped vehicle from a handicapped spot, regardless of premier status or not.
So, with that as the back story, the parking lot attendant Friday was absolutely livid that I blew her off and went through anyway. I told her that Head Guy says we can park there, and she kept telling me I had to park, leave on my flashers, go get a premiere hang tag, then put it in my van. I merely said, no, I'm not going to leave my flashers on, we are just going to park there. I rolled up my window and drove away, up to my perfect dream spot. Not 30 seconds later, some other guy, higher up the parking lot staff food chain came running towards us talking furiously into his radio (cleary, Ms. Leave on Your Flashers) called to report my flagrant violation, so I slowed up, rolled the window down again. He too one look at me, didn't look in the back that I could see, and said "Oh! You're HIM! Park right here" and motioned for us to park in the dream spot.
I was a little puzzled, thinking he'd mistaken me for a visiting dignitary or something (who also happened to drive a great big groovin' red conversion van). So I parked, got the ramp down and sent Wheeler and Dog on their way because we were running really late .... due to me screwing up and taking the wrong route to the arena. And we left late, and even after leaving late, then I had to drive home and get the tickets, which I conveniently had forgotten. As I was stowing the lift, the higher up the food chain guy came running back and said "Oh good! I'm glad you got this spot, because HE can park here anytime, at any event. You ever have trouble, just ask me me. HE can park anywhere he wants, I'm really sorry for the hassle she gave you.". He went on for a bit to say that he gave her a hard time about it, and said that if that spot wasn't open, to park absolutely anywhere we wanted in premier (the lot is 3/4 empty at any given event) for any event.
I went inside and caught up with Wheeler and relayed the story to Head Security Guy who confirmed that we can park anywhere we want, anytime. You know, having a broken neck sucks, but now and then people recognize that its a little more than a mere inconvenience, and are nice to you. I like those days.
So, with that as the back story, the parking lot attendant Friday was absolutely livid that I blew her off and went through anyway. I told her that Head Guy says we can park there, and she kept telling me I had to park, leave on my flashers, go get a premiere hang tag, then put it in my van. I merely said, no, I'm not going to leave my flashers on, we are just going to park there. I rolled up my window and drove away, up to my perfect dream spot. Not 30 seconds later, some other guy, higher up the parking lot staff food chain came running towards us talking furiously into his radio (cleary, Ms. Leave on Your Flashers) called to report my flagrant violation, so I slowed up, rolled the window down again. He too one look at me, didn't look in the back that I could see, and said "Oh! You're HIM! Park right here" and motioned for us to park in the dream spot.
I was a little puzzled, thinking he'd mistaken me for a visiting dignitary or something (who also happened to drive a great big groovin' red conversion van). So I parked, got the ramp down and sent Wheeler and Dog on their way because we were running really late .... due to me screwing up and taking the wrong route to the arena. And we left late, and even after leaving late, then I had to drive home and get the tickets, which I conveniently had forgotten. As I was stowing the lift, the higher up the food chain guy came running back and said "Oh good! I'm glad you got this spot, because HE can park here anytime, at any event. You ever have trouble, just ask me me. HE can park anywhere he wants, I'm really sorry for the hassle she gave you.". He went on for a bit to say that he gave her a hard time about it, and said that if that spot wasn't open, to park absolutely anywhere we wanted in premier (the lot is 3/4 empty at any given event) for any event.
I went inside and caught up with Wheeler and relayed the story to Head Security Guy who confirmed that we can park anywhere we want, anytime. You know, having a broken neck sucks, but now and then people recognize that its a little more than a mere inconvenience, and are nice to you. I like those days.
Monday, March 2, 2009
I am tired and cranky!
Now its my turn to piss and moan. I am exhausted even though I slept from about midnight to 9 am. Wheeler woke me up so many times last night. Here are the ones I remember, all separate times.
- Can I get some water?
- Is my urine cloudy?
- Is the bag full?
- Can you turn my heating blanket on to 3?
- Is my leg hitting the bedrail?
- Can you scratch my head?
- Can I get my pills? (at 6:45 which annoyed me most because he knows I give him his pills when Offspring gets here in the AM)
And those are the ones I remember, there were others that I have blocked out of my head as a form of post-traumatic stress coping.
Now I'm tired, cranky and have a headache.
It snowed here again last night. About 3-4 inches I'd say, and school is closed. But Offspring
is a great kid, he is happily amusing himself while I work (and whine).
.... over and out, as I grab Exedrin migrain and a cup of tea ....
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
8 year old boys
Offspring and Pal (I'm trying to think of a blog name for his best friend, so Pal will be it unless I think of a better one) are joined at the hip lately. Every single day after school they burst out of the doors of school and run to me and ... hmmm, I need a blog name for Pal's mom, anyway for now, Pal's mom, and BEG BEG BEG to play together. Every. Day. And I mean every day. Usually we relent unless there is some other commitment - and as she and I both talk about, we have the only child syndrome going on in both of our houses. And when that only child is a very boisterous boy, it can be very very tiring for the mom. Strangely enough, when there are two maniacal little boys, it is easier than one. That is, they play with each other instead of pestering you to play with them. And you only have to just keep an ear out to make sure no one breaks a bone or break up verbal fist fights on occasion. So anyway, we go to a building class every other Saturday at Lowe's with them - this week was a time capsule. They had alot of fun building it, even though we were late because it took forever to eat at IHOP across the street. Wheeler was a dork and ordered the wrong thing, but that didn't really contribute to the delay. I just wanted to point that out to be mean.
So anyway, Pal and Offspring were going to play after Lowe's but as it turned out, they couldn't play until 3:30. In little boy time this is equal to approximately 7.4 years. During that 7.4 years, we went over to the pet store, and then on a whim I called the Picture People and they had an opening at 12:40. Schlepped over there and got Offspring's photos taken. I have always taken him on a moment's notice, this is actually the first time I called instead of just showing up. He did GREAT, he smiled, was adorable and we got some really good photos. I got a number of them blown up and framed. He is so photogenic, and I don't say that just because he's my kid ... or maybe I do, I dunno. Either way, I still look at him sometimes and think "I done good".
A side note: we were at a mall that we don't normally go to, its an older mall in the area relatively speaking and I HATE it. I was reminded how much I hate by going there, I honestly can't remember the last time I was there, I am quite sure it was far more than a year ago. It was filled to the gills with baby teenagers. Little bitty teenagers who were carefully casual, a studied nonchalance that was so obvious (to everyone but them). Little social rituals being carried out, coy giggles, pushing and shoving flirtatiously, exagerrated looks, etc. It reminded me of how much we humans are just animals after all, the same as other animals preening so as to mate. Teenagers annoy me. Too bad I'm going to be the parent of one soon.
After we were there, waiting around for the prints etc, it was almost time for Pal to be ready to play. We stopped at the dog park for Dog to play because he had been with us all day and was sooo good. He played like crazy and then we went home. Thankfully, almost as soon as we got home Pal's mom called and said Pal was ready to come play. I say thankfully because every 10 seconds from the time we got home until she called Offspring would say "Is Pal ready to come yet?" or "Can you call Pal's mom?" or "When is Pal coming?" or "Can we go check if he's home yet?". That gets annoying real fast. So anyway, she came over with Pal and dropped him off, after which little boy heaven commenced. They played Wii for a short bit, then our neighbor across the street gave us (yes gave us, as in for free) a really nice big basketball hoop - ball included! - and so the boys went out and went gonzo for basketball. They played for a long time and were sweaty and panting when they came in. I let them play Wii for about 20 minutes to cool down and then we went bowling, which I had promised earlier in the day.
When Pal first arrived, he said that he didn't want to go bowling. I figured I could change his mind. How? Don't ask him if he wants to go - ask him what kind of pizza he wants there. Pizza?!?! CHEESE! Then Offspring yells PEPPERONI! I told them we could get half and half (hoping that one could, and yes, we could as it turned out). We all bowled, and we all used bumpers. After 10 frames, I was the winner with a whopping score of 79. Pal got 63, Offspring got 59. Yes, I got 79 with bumpers. I suck at bowling, obviously. But we had a really good time. Offspring was hilarious (unwittingly) because he would slide up there in style and wing it down the lane, practically doing the splits and staying there until the ball hit the pins, after which he was joyously pump his arms and say OH YEAH!!! with a big loopy grin. Pal was funny too because he was walk up to the lane looking as though he was lost at sea, looked around and then would throw the ball down the lane. As in throw - not roll. He just may as well thrown it overhand for as hard as it hit the lane. Then he'd watch it roll down and when it hit the pins he'd look totally stunned that he'd hit them. He would then do a victory dance, and the two of them would mock (deservingly so) my pathetic score. If not for the fact that I got one strike, I probably would have lost against two 8 year olds, all while using bumpers. We (they) played video games, ate pizza, had slushies, bowled, a boy's idea of heaven (until they become the aforementioned baby teenagers.... god help me).
On the way home, they were SO funny. I just listened, pretending that I wasn't, and here was the gist of their conversation.
You know what - my friend said that he burped so loud that his whole house fell down.
No way!
Yeah-huh, he said they had to build a new house and everything.
Nuh-uh.
Have you ever burped that loud?
BBBBUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPPPP!!
This was the answer my child provided. At this point, most unfortunately I laughed. I simply could not help myself, I tried very very hard not to, but I didn't succeed in squelching my giggle. It was a belly laugh actually, I nearly drove off the road laughing (or rather, trying not to laugh).
Whoa! You even made YOUR MOM laugh.
Yeah, my mom laughs at burps and farts.
Whoa! SHE DOES?
Yeah. Hey - Pal, what would you do if everything in the world was free?
(big saucer eyes here, I could see them in the rearview mirror)
Free?!?!?
Yeah, EVERYTHING.
Whoa. I would get like 100 Wii games and 100 DS games, take them all home and play all night.
Yeah, wow, that would be totally awesome. I'd get 1 million Wii games!
Well I'd get every Wii game they make!
What if you assidentally got locked in the mall all night? (Offspring consistently mispronounced a few words, and accidentally is one of them, as is magazine (mazagine) and taken (tooken)). I'd, like, go to the toy store and stay there all night playing with the toys.
Whooaaaa. All those toys.
Yeah.
Satisfied silence.
Whoa.
Silence.
Let's talk about if everything was free again!
OK!
Then, another discussion of all the Wii games they would buy (have) if everything was free ensued. Ahhh, to be 8 years old.
So anyway, Pal and Offspring were going to play after Lowe's but as it turned out, they couldn't play until 3:30. In little boy time this is equal to approximately 7.4 years. During that 7.4 years, we went over to the pet store, and then on a whim I called the Picture People and they had an opening at 12:40. Schlepped over there and got Offspring's photos taken. I have always taken him on a moment's notice, this is actually the first time I called instead of just showing up. He did GREAT, he smiled, was adorable and we got some really good photos. I got a number of them blown up and framed. He is so photogenic, and I don't say that just because he's my kid ... or maybe I do, I dunno. Either way, I still look at him sometimes and think "I done good".
A side note: we were at a mall that we don't normally go to, its an older mall in the area relatively speaking and I HATE it. I was reminded how much I hate by going there, I honestly can't remember the last time I was there, I am quite sure it was far more than a year ago. It was filled to the gills with baby teenagers. Little bitty teenagers who were carefully casual, a studied nonchalance that was so obvious (to everyone but them). Little social rituals being carried out, coy giggles, pushing and shoving flirtatiously, exagerrated looks, etc. It reminded me of how much we humans are just animals after all, the same as other animals preening so as to mate. Teenagers annoy me. Too bad I'm going to be the parent of one soon.
After we were there, waiting around for the prints etc, it was almost time for Pal to be ready to play. We stopped at the dog park for Dog to play because he had been with us all day and was sooo good. He played like crazy and then we went home. Thankfully, almost as soon as we got home Pal's mom called and said Pal was ready to come play. I say thankfully because every 10 seconds from the time we got home until she called Offspring would say "Is Pal ready to come yet?" or "Can you call Pal's mom?" or "When is Pal coming?" or "Can we go check if he's home yet?". That gets annoying real fast. So anyway, she came over with Pal and dropped him off, after which little boy heaven commenced. They played Wii for a short bit, then our neighbor across the street gave us (yes gave us, as in for free) a really nice big basketball hoop - ball included! - and so the boys went out and went gonzo for basketball. They played for a long time and were sweaty and panting when they came in. I let them play Wii for about 20 minutes to cool down and then we went bowling, which I had promised earlier in the day.
When Pal first arrived, he said that he didn't want to go bowling. I figured I could change his mind. How? Don't ask him if he wants to go - ask him what kind of pizza he wants there. Pizza?!?! CHEESE! Then Offspring yells PEPPERONI! I told them we could get half and half (hoping that one could, and yes, we could as it turned out). We all bowled, and we all used bumpers. After 10 frames, I was the winner with a whopping score of 79. Pal got 63, Offspring got 59. Yes, I got 79 with bumpers. I suck at bowling, obviously. But we had a really good time. Offspring was hilarious (unwittingly) because he would slide up there in style and wing it down the lane, practically doing the splits and staying there until the ball hit the pins, after which he was joyously pump his arms and say OH YEAH!!! with a big loopy grin. Pal was funny too because he was walk up to the lane looking as though he was lost at sea, looked around and then would throw the ball down the lane. As in throw - not roll. He just may as well thrown it overhand for as hard as it hit the lane. Then he'd watch it roll down and when it hit the pins he'd look totally stunned that he'd hit them. He would then do a victory dance, and the two of them would mock (deservingly so) my pathetic score. If not for the fact that I got one strike, I probably would have lost against two 8 year olds, all while using bumpers. We (they) played video games, ate pizza, had slushies, bowled, a boy's idea of heaven (until they become the aforementioned baby teenagers.... god help me).
On the way home, they were SO funny. I just listened, pretending that I wasn't, and here was the gist of their conversation.
You know what - my friend said that he burped so loud that his whole house fell down.
No way!
Yeah-huh, he said they had to build a new house and everything.
Nuh-uh.
Have you ever burped that loud?
BBBBUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPPPP!!
This was the answer my child provided. At this point, most unfortunately I laughed. I simply could not help myself, I tried very very hard not to, but I didn't succeed in squelching my giggle. It was a belly laugh actually, I nearly drove off the road laughing (or rather, trying not to laugh).
Whoa! You even made YOUR MOM laugh.
Yeah, my mom laughs at burps and farts.
Whoa! SHE DOES?
Yeah. Hey - Pal, what would you do if everything in the world was free?
(big saucer eyes here, I could see them in the rearview mirror)
Free?!?!?
Yeah, EVERYTHING.
Whoa. I would get like 100 Wii games and 100 DS games, take them all home and play all night.
Yeah, wow, that would be totally awesome. I'd get 1 million Wii games!
Well I'd get every Wii game they make!
What if you assidentally got locked in the mall all night? (Offspring consistently mispronounced a few words, and accidentally is one of them, as is magazine (mazagine) and taken (tooken)). I'd, like, go to the toy store and stay there all night playing with the toys.
Whooaaaa. All those toys.
Yeah.
Satisfied silence.
Whoa.
Silence.
Let's talk about if everything was free again!
OK!
Then, another discussion of all the Wii games they would buy (have) if everything was free ensued. Ahhh, to be 8 years old.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Remember this?
S s s s
A a a a
F f f f
E e e e
T t t t
Y y y y
Dance Dance Dance Dance
I was driving and heard this on the radio. Major totally tubular flashback like ohmigawd! *tosses one sided ponytail*
A a a a
F f f f
E e e e
T t t t
Y y y y
Dance Dance Dance Dance
I was driving and heard this on the radio. Major totally tubular flashback like ohmigawd! *tosses one sided ponytail*
Monday, December 8, 2008
A question for someone who plumbs....
Any other manly types out there, you can feel free to chime in too.... here are my toilet issues:
Thank you in advance to all of you plumbing types for your consideration of my request for information so as to preserve my friggin' SANITY!
- Toilet in downstairs hallway. First, it clogs very easily - this has been a long standing problem that gotten worse over time. Second, starting a few weeks ago, when you flush it, the handle stays in the flush and swirl mode, forcing me to push the handle back so that it doesn't constantly flush and swirl.
- Toilet in master bedroom. It is leaking. It fills up constantly (and I mean constantly). A few weeks ago, I shut off the water to it because our water bill spiked up by about 25%!! A flapper valve has been suggested as the problem but my dad replaced it awhile back and it actually got worse. Then again, my dad is a really, really crappy plumber.
- Toilet in Offspring's room. Low suction, you have to hold the handle down for a good 3 seconds (which is a long time if you count it out, try it) to get it to flush. And of course, Offspring never remembers to hold the handle down which means when I go up there, I usually get a big whiff of old rotten disgusting pee. YUCK.
- Toilet in guest room. It doesn't flush. It won't flush no matter what. We - meaning, I - have toilet snaked and plunged the shit out of it (literally and metaphorically), chemical bombed it, and it will flush after that, if you are lucky, one time and then it craps out (metaphorically) and won't flush anything. Even if you just pee and throw the paper away, it won't even flush down liquid. It has never flushed right, not since the day we bought this place 3 years ago. Of course, it flushed once ... to pass inspection.
- Toilet in other guest room: same issue as Offspring's toilet.
Thank you in advance to all of you plumbing types for your consideration of my request for information so as to preserve my friggin' SANITY!
Garfield made me do it
Yesterday I asked Offspring to help me clean up. The house was a disaster to say the least and I needed all hands on deck. He groused about for a few minutes, 10%-heartedly picking things up then standing around looking glum. He brightened up though as he came over and told me
I think that whoever makes the mess should have to clean it up
Ohhhh, you do? Well then, I think whoever lives here should have to pay the mortgage. And whoever lives here has to pay for food. And the gas bill. And the electric bill. And the cable bill. And the ....
As I went on and on, he got madder and madder. Then, in a Christmas Story style fudge word sort of way said ....
You shut your big fat mouth lady!
Silence.
More silence.
At this point, he is lucky to be alive.
Then I sent him to the corner and berated him for a good 5 minutes about how massively unacceptable it was for him to say that to me. While he was there I also decided that he could not have a sleepover with his best buddy that night - something he'd been looking forward to all weekend. I told him that when he got out of the corner and he went ballistic with tears and dramatic moaning about how much he hates the world and hates me, hates me, hates me.
No matter what mom, from this day forward, I am going to always like you just a little bit less than I did before now. Hrumph!
With that he turned on his heel and went upstairs. Score one for Offspring cause ok, that one dug in a bit. Sniffle.
Then I sent him upstairs to chill out (and partially so that he would remain alive). He came back down the stairs a few minutes later looking like he had something to say to me. Big round eyes, big pouty lips - he says:
Mom? I think maybe I've been reading a little too much Garfield.
Huh?
Well, because that's something that Garfield would say. He's very disrespectful.
Nice try kid.
I think that whoever makes the mess should have to clean it up
Ohhhh, you do? Well then, I think whoever lives here should have to pay the mortgage. And whoever lives here has to pay for food. And the gas bill. And the electric bill. And the cable bill. And the ....
As I went on and on, he got madder and madder. Then, in a Christmas Story style fudge word sort of way said ....
You shut your big fat mouth lady!
Silence.
More silence.
At this point, he is lucky to be alive.
Then I sent him to the corner and berated him for a good 5 minutes about how massively unacceptable it was for him to say that to me. While he was there I also decided that he could not have a sleepover with his best buddy that night - something he'd been looking forward to all weekend. I told him that when he got out of the corner and he went ballistic with tears and dramatic moaning about how much he hates the world and hates me, hates me, hates me.
No matter what mom, from this day forward, I am going to always like you just a little bit less than I did before now. Hrumph!
With that he turned on his heel and went upstairs. Score one for Offspring cause ok, that one dug in a bit. Sniffle.
Then I sent him upstairs to chill out (and partially so that he would remain alive). He came back down the stairs a few minutes later looking like he had something to say to me. Big round eyes, big pouty lips - he says:
Mom? I think maybe I've been reading a little too much Garfield.
Huh?
Well, because that's something that Garfield would say. He's very disrespectful.
Nice try kid.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Mountain driving
For Thanksgiving this year, we went to the boondocks of Virginia. We had to drive over some small mountains, really just big hills, but for us in flat land, they seemed pretty big. As we approached them, Offspring's eyes got huge and he said 'wowwwww' ... I told him that we were going to drive over them to get to where we were going and he sat in awe for a few minutes. I could see the wheels turning, then he said in a very serious voice "Mom? Do you think we're going to need oxygen masks?"
Friday, November 28, 2008
Incompetent GI guy - para vs quad?!
Offspring got dressed at his dad's this morning. I got dressed here. As it turns out, we are both wearing an orange turtleneck, blue jeans, white socks, tennis shoes. The only difference is that my underwear does not have Spiderman on it. When he came home, we both looked at each other, down at ourselves and burst out laughing.
So yesterday Wheeler had an appointment with a new GI guy, who turned out to be an idiot too. However, after we both hammered away at his history of four perforated ulcers, his near death (not hyperbole) and the similarity of the symptoms then and now ... over and over and OVER again ... and more and less said we wouldn't settle for not having an endoscopy, he then told us straight out that he wasn't familiar with paraplegia and maybe his spinal cord doctor should treat his GI issues. Ummmmm, hello? The last time I checked, the stomach looks the same in a QUADriplegia and an ambulatory person. I cannot believe this dude is a licensed physician - not even knowing para from quad. Good grief.
Anyway, I think he finally realized that if Wheeler walked out of there then perfed last night, I would sue his ass off. After that seemed to dawn on him, and the fact that we were adamant about having an endo, he suddenly "remembered" that one of his colleagues had time on his schedule tomorrow morning (today). He implied that something had fallen through or that his schedule was free, but of course, the other guy had to squeeze him in, and to his credit, he did. So the endoscopy was scheduled for this AM and we had to be there at 6:30 am ..... torture for poor me. Of course, I couldn't get to sleep until about 1 am since since I had to get up at 5 am meant I had sleep-stage fright, and then I woke up about every 30 minutes freaked out that I missed the alarm and we'd missed the appt (that we fought so hard to get!). I set two alarms but I am notoriously alarm clock impaired, so my paranoia was not totally unfounded. I woke up 5 minutes before the alarms though and got up and got us both ready. Wearing the identical outfit as my son.
Although I have just put on my favorite pink cashmere sweater because its cold in here and I'm too cheap to turn up the heat. Trying to heat this house higher than 70 degrees is futile because the windows are so drafty. We need double paned windows, but they would be a significant expense right now that we can't afford at the moment. I am annoyed however to have found my favorite pink cashmere sweater has holes in it, presumably from moths, after being stored in the attic all summer without being inside of a bag of some sort. Drat. Oh well, I'll wear it anyway, I like it and its warm.
Anyway, back to the endoscopy. The doc was great. Not to mention hottttttt. Smokin' hot. However, he was wearing a gaudy thick gold necklace that says "I'm not from around here" despite his discernable absence of a Joysee accent. And guess what, he found not only evidence of ulcers, but other stuff too. He appears to have gastroparesis, abnormally slow stomach emptying. That can cause all of the symptoms he is having, but he also has quite significant irritation all throughout the stomach and esophagus. He biopsied all over, including doing a biopsy for celiac - without prompting, wow! no one ever thinks of celiac - and so we'll know the results of the biopsies in about a week. It may be a yeast infection, it may be bacterial, it may be a number of other things, and they all are bundled up together, so separating cause and effect may be difficult. However, I am sure this guy will figure it out. Thank heavens. We sure drew a crappy hand in the poker game of GI docs. We were dealt a better hand this time. Hmmm, I think that was a crappy analogy (so punny I am), but hey, I am operating on about 3 hours of sleep.
So yesterday Wheeler had an appointment with a new GI guy, who turned out to be an idiot too. However, after we both hammered away at his history of four perforated ulcers, his near death (not hyperbole) and the similarity of the symptoms then and now ... over and over and OVER again ... and more and less said we wouldn't settle for not having an endoscopy, he then told us straight out that he wasn't familiar with paraplegia and maybe his spinal cord doctor should treat his GI issues. Ummmmm, hello? The last time I checked, the stomach looks the same in a QUADriplegia and an ambulatory person. I cannot believe this dude is a licensed physician - not even knowing para from quad. Good grief.
Anyway, I think he finally realized that if Wheeler walked out of there then perfed last night, I would sue his ass off. After that seemed to dawn on him, and the fact that we were adamant about having an endo, he suddenly "remembered" that one of his colleagues had time on his schedule tomorrow morning (today). He implied that something had fallen through or that his schedule was free, but of course, the other guy had to squeeze him in, and to his credit, he did. So the endoscopy was scheduled for this AM and we had to be there at 6:30 am ..... torture for poor me. Of course, I couldn't get to sleep until about 1 am since since I had to get up at 5 am meant I had sleep-stage fright, and then I woke up about every 30 minutes freaked out that I missed the alarm and we'd missed the appt (that we fought so hard to get!). I set two alarms but I am notoriously alarm clock impaired, so my paranoia was not totally unfounded. I woke up 5 minutes before the alarms though and got up and got us both ready. Wearing the identical outfit as my son.
Although I have just put on my favorite pink cashmere sweater because its cold in here and I'm too cheap to turn up the heat. Trying to heat this house higher than 70 degrees is futile because the windows are so drafty. We need double paned windows, but they would be a significant expense right now that we can't afford at the moment. I am annoyed however to have found my favorite pink cashmere sweater has holes in it, presumably from moths, after being stored in the attic all summer without being inside of a bag of some sort. Drat. Oh well, I'll wear it anyway, I like it and its warm.
Anyway, back to the endoscopy. The doc was great. Not to mention hottttttt. Smokin' hot. However, he was wearing a gaudy thick gold necklace that says "I'm not from around here" despite his discernable absence of a Joysee accent. And guess what, he found not only evidence of ulcers, but other stuff too. He appears to have gastroparesis, abnormally slow stomach emptying. That can cause all of the symptoms he is having, but he also has quite significant irritation all throughout the stomach and esophagus. He biopsied all over, including doing a biopsy for celiac - without prompting, wow! no one ever thinks of celiac - and so we'll know the results of the biopsies in about a week. It may be a yeast infection, it may be bacterial, it may be a number of other things, and they all are bundled up together, so separating cause and effect may be difficult. However, I am sure this guy will figure it out. Thank heavens. We sure drew a crappy hand in the poker game of GI docs. We were dealt a better hand this time. Hmmm, I think that was a crappy analogy (so punny I am), but hey, I am operating on about 3 hours of sleep.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
However it is said....
Offsprint tonight was trying to say synthesizer. And it came out like this "Synthesahmatorsizer". Then he looked puzzled and said "Synthemator". His fact then said, no, no, that's not it. Then he said "I mean synthesizer". It was very funny!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Too Many Questions
Me at the gas station pump.
Pay inside or outside?
Outside.
Cash or credit?
Credit.
(insert visa card here)
Credit or debit?
Debit.
PIN number?
XXXX
Do want a car wash today?
Ummmmm, no. My van is 9 feet tall (there wasn't a key for this, so I just hit 'no')
Do you want a receipt?
No.
Do you find your life to be fulfilling?
Coke or Pepsi? ...
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