How much my insurance company loves me

Wheeler has a urinary tract infection that is resistant to every single oral antibiotic out there, and to every single IM/IV abx as well, all except one (called Invanz for the curious).  But it has to be given as an injection and so the choice was to go to the doctor's office every day for 10 days (with it being unclear what we would do over the weekends for injections) or I could do the injections at home myself.  Given that our copay for a specialist is $70 PER visit (we have sucky insurance), and that the insurance company absolutely requires that the doctor's office charge it, that would have been $700 out of pocket for us just to have the injections done by their office.  .... Uh, I don't think so.  So we decided - as we have done before - to do the injections at home.

Problem: I am anaphylatically allergic to penicillin. And this drug cross reacts in 50% of people with pcn allergies.  Solution: send an email to our 700 member neighborhood email list to see if anyone with medical training would be willing to give him the injections here at home for 10 days.  Within 15 minutes, I had an offer to help - hooray!  A retired plastic surgeon who lives a few blocks over comes over every day to administer his injection.  Its a real pain though because it comes in powder form in a vial, and has to be reconstituted with vicious lidocaine.  So you have to draw up 3.2 mL of lidocaine, inject the lidocaine in the powder vial, shake it like crazy for a couple of minutes (it is very difficult to dissolve), draw it up into the syringe, change needles (since its no longer very sharp from being poked into two vials), then inject him.  Just in case I get exposed though, we have an "adult allergy emergency kit" prominently on the kitchen counter: EpiPen, prednisone, benadryl, zantac (little known allergy rescue, as an H2 inhibitor it suppresses allergic reactions), albuterol, and strict instructions to call 911 if I start wheezing or if my tongue swells.

Also part of the solution is that I have to treat Wheeler as if he is biohazardous waste.  38% of the drug is excreted in urine unchanged, and 10% in, lets call it 'other ways', so I can't do his personal care at all.  I have been getting him up in his chair and back in bed, but anything involving more personal care, Uncle Air Force has to do.  This means that he had to stay here last weekend and next weekend since the 10 days is straddling two weekends, which he is very unhappy about.  He said "thanks for all the advance warning" .... AS IF SOMEHOW WE COULD HAVE PLANNED THIS?!?!?  That makes me nuts.  "hello yes?  I'd like to plan an infection for next month... yes, let's say the 5th, and let's plan for a drug that she can't handle for 10 days, and make it only straddle one weekend please .... yes, thank you, we'll be sure to be ready for the infection".  AS IF?!?!?!  Grrrrr.  I get pissed when people get pissed at ME for  things I can't control.

Anyway, let's hope for the best.  And in the meantime, I had two claims for my foot go through and both were denied because I am "not a plan member".  WHAT?  So now I have to call them and get it all figured out and assure them that yes, we do pay $617 a month faithfully for me to have their shitty insurance so please PAY my doctor's bill.  Argh....

How much I love that boy....

More than I am tall ... 

More than I love raspberries ... 

More than I am funny ...
More than the number of leaves on the trees in a forest ...
More than the stars in the sky ...
More than air in the room ...
More than water in the oceans ...
More than my heart can hold ...
And lastly, more than I can possibly explain.

I just look at him, sleeping, in his bed, at his beautiful little face, and wonder how I got this lucky.

Dinner tonight

Chop and seed 4 small Roma tomatoes, add to cooked pasta, add handful of shredded parmesan cheese, add a generous squirt of olive oil, add pinch of salt, grind black pepper.  Eat!

Summer camp

For summer camp?  One week overnight summer camp through the YMCA is $710 for the week.  If you want your child to have horseback riding too, its an extra $170, and canoeing is an extra $67 on top of that.  So we're talking $1000 for a single week of summer camp.  Holy crap!

Good lord, kids are expensive.  Thank god I only have one.

Yellow tree pollen

This stuff is the bane of my existence.  It doesn't make me sneeze so much as it gives me a big time headache.  Both Wheeler and I woke up with gonzo big headaches this morning.  Blick.

On the positive side, said trees and shrubs that generate pollen are beautiful.  Taken with my iPhone around the neighborhood the other day:

Reason #3,109 not to break your neck

#3,109: Pressure sores. 

[ highly disturbing graphic gory photo not pasted in here since its a G-rated blog and all ]

[ but trust me its U-G-L-Y ]

[ and scary ]

[ and disGUSTing]

Wheeler has a pressure sore on an existing flap surgery* site, right on the ischial bones (the "sit" bones on your butt).  Right now, he's looking at a minimum of 4-6 weeks in bed, keeping 100% pressure off of that sore, IF absolutely NOTHING goes wrong in the healing process.  (pardon me while I go laugh hysterically at the thought of nothing going wrong)

Sigh.  Poor Wheeler.

* if you are not spinal cord injury initiated, and don't know what flap surgery is, here is an article with photos.  But be prepared before you click that link.  Its gross.  And Wheeler has had two of these surgeries, one on each side (each leg/sit bone side).  Flap surgery is reason #3,108 not to break your neck.

A case of over-engineering

Yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous day, mid 80s, sunshine, light breeze.  Offspring and I were outside in the yard, having just gotten back from the neighborhood park.  My dad then drove by in his red convertible Corvette..... top down, music playing.

He stopped in our driveway and asked if we wanted to take the car for a spin.  Hell yes!

We drove around the neighborhood for a bit and then decided to go get ice cream at our favorite place.  We parked, and I pushed the button to turn the car off.  Yes, you push a button to turn the car off, there is no key.  I was worried right then because I realized that I would need the key fob to turn the car back on and my cursory inspection of the car turned up no key fob.  I hastily pushed the button and to my relief, the car turned back on.  Ahhh, problem solved.  Either the fob was indeed somewhere in the car, or it didn't need to be in the car to start it.

We got out of the car and I didn't bother trying to lock the car because its a convertible for Pete's sake - you could just reach in and take anything you wanted.  We walked up and got our ice cream.  My was pistachio ice cream - and there must have been $15 worth of pistachios in my serving, holy crap there were a lot of pistachios in that!  Offspring got his usual "N & Ns and sminkles", but they were out of "sminkles" so it was just M&Ms in vanilla.  Despite being able to pronounce M&Ms and sprinkles now, he still says it the other way because he knows I find it endearing.

Walked back to the car, got in, pushed button.  Nothing.

Great.

Pushed it again.  Nothing.  Kept pushing it, kept doing nothing.  ARGH!!!!

So I was forced to call my dad, who was actually mowing my lawn at that moment, so my mom answered his phone, to come rescue us.  She drove down, gave us the key fob and we were able to then start the car.

RANT.  Why the hell would anyone NOT want a key????  Just having a fob leads to this sort of problem.  And it has led to this exact problem on more than one occasion for me, in both the Corvette and their Cadillac.  It makes me insane.  Is a key really that big of an inconvenience that they had to engineer it completely out of the picture?  REALLY?  I think not!  Give me a key any day.  And if you have a fob, LEAVE IT IN THE *#@&(*%#& CAR, NOT YOUR POCKET!!!  Then when you get out and let someone else drive it, you won't leave them stranded.  RANT OVER.

Hands down the scariest flight I have ever been on

I took a quick business trip to Phoenix and the way back was a bit exciting.  And not the kind of excitement that I like.  I flew from PHX to Las Vegas, where I was to connect home to Raleigh.  Am connecting to Raleigh I should say, because I am actually posting this from the air.  There is WiFi on the flight from Las Vegas to Raleigh.  So I have given away the punch line of this story: I live.

The pilot came on near the end of the flight from Phoenix, at about 10,000 feet, to tell us the approach and landing in Las Vegas would be bumpy.  OK, no biggie, that happens all the time, <insert jersey girl here> whatevah.  As we got closer though, it became rapidly obvious that to even this exceptionally experienced and blasé flyer that he was not kidding about bumpy.  He came on again and said that winds were nearing 40 mph, and to be sure to fasten our seatbelts tightly. I cinched up my belt.

Down, down, down we went, and the plane lurched and skated, skittered side to side with truly frightening moves.  The wings were dipping up and down wildly, tilting us up and down 45 degrees at least each direction and then flopping us 45 degrees the other direction - all the way, doing that skating on ice sort of thing were it feels like the plane is sliding, which is from cross winds.  The luggage bins started popping open and bags fell out.  My backpack and other people's things dislodged from under our seats and slid all over the place.  I kept hoping and hoping and hoping and HOPING that we would swing around and try a different approach or return to Phoenix or go ANYWHERE but windy Las Vegas, but the plane continued to get lower and lower.  This went on for a good 7-8 minutes.  Trust me, this is a very long time.  Try timing it and see how long it is and then imagine lurching like that for 7-8 minutes.

I was sitting in an exit row and realized 'holy crap, I may have to USE this exit door!'.  As we got closer to the ground, the winds and turbulence only got worse, not better.  When the runway was in sight, I was absolutely petrified.  I was afraid for my life, and I am not kidding.  I was literally afraid the plane was going to crash, and I had good reason to be scared.  The wings were still tilting at alarming angles and I (and pretty much everyone else) was afraid one would slam into the ground before the wheels would hit the ground.  The flight attendant came on and said "Hold on everybody!".  I have never heard that from a fight attendant in all of my years of flying.

I braced myself, staring out the window at the wings, hoping and hoping and hoping that they wouldn't hit the runway when BANG, we slammed into the runway like an elephant onto a china cup, which of course caused even more bags to fall out and scatter.  But we were down, safe, and I could have kissed the ground. The flight attendant got on again and said "We're all still here!".  And I absolutely have never heard anything remotely like that from a flight attendant.   Navigating all of the bins and bags was interesting, trying to match bags to people as we tried to exit.  People were holding up bags and hollering "whose bag is this?" but we all managed to get our bags and luckily, no one was hit on the head by a falling bag.  

As it turns out, the winds were exactly 1 mph lower than the limit for closing the airport, so I did have good reason to fear for my life.  They did close the airport for 50 minutes shortly after our flight because the Raleigh flight was delayed on takeoff.  Trust me, that was one delay I was MORE than happy to tolerate.

Now let's hope for no wind in Raleigh, eh?

Coffee

So this morning Dogley took a great big slurp of my coffee.  He licked his lips forever and was poised to take another drink when I called a halt to such nonsense.  Wuzzup with THAT?!!!!  

Under my desk is where I kick off my shoes

Can you tell?

HOW much did you say???

I dropped our external hard drive about a year ago, and I didn't bother getting it fixed because we couldn't afford it at the time and also, it wasn't really pressing that we fix it right away.  I mean, I knew we'd have to fix it eventually because it has gobs of photos on it that are not anywhere else, but it wasn't at the top of the spend-money-on priority list.  But, this new consulting gig I have, I really need some templates of stuff I've done in the past and they are on that hard drive.  So I called around today and did some investigating ... and get this: it is going to cost between $700-$2400 to fix it.  OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

< insert me falling over here >

I think I'm going to stand on a street corner tonight with a low cut shirt and stillettos.

I am a consultant

And I just love this poster.  It is so true.  Check out House of Lies on Showtime, its about management consultants (the worst of the worst in terms of consultants) - it utterly HILARIOUS.  Raunchy, but hilarious

The Elegant Universe

We have been listening to The Elegant Universe by Brian Greene, an acclaimed theoretical physicist.  It is about string theory, and how it relates to Einstein's general relativity (the laws of the very very large) and quantum mechanics (the laws of the very very small). These two sets of laws rule our universe - but hold on, get this! These two sets of laws conflict.  Its as if we were living in a city with one set of traffic laws for bikes and pedestrians and one set of laws for cars and trucks.  Bottom line, that just doesn't work.  And the fact that general relativity and quantum mechanics mix like oil and water is somewhat of an embarrassment to the physics establishment.  Furthermore, there are four forces in the universe: the gravitational force, the electromagnetic force, the strong nuclear force and the weak nuclear force.  Physicists in the 80s and 90s won Noble prizes for unifying 3 of the 4 forces: all but gravity.  But yet gravity has yet to be incorporated into the fundamental forces of the universe.  Into that, and with that embarrassing little traffic problem I described, comes string theory. String theory, at its heart, says that point particle physics is not the way to look at the world - that the world does not come down to a set of billiard balls that can be infinitely subdivided.  But rather, the smallest unit in the universe is a vibrating strand of energy called a string.  String theory, if correct, requires 11 dimensions (10 regular dimensions + time), but unifies general relativity and quantum mechanics.  If I told you any more, I'd have to charge you tuition. 

We listen to it at night, at bedtime.  It is tough listening though, it is not easy stuff to understand by any stretch.  We have learned about quarks, bosons, selections, kalabee-yow shapes, mirror spaces, flip transformations, and all other manner of strange mathematical gyrations.  I actually tried to read the book, several times, but my eyes kept crossing in front of me and I couldn't get through it, but I was determined to learn it, so I downloaded it and started listening on audio.  I figured I would have Offspring listen with me, and I have been shocked that he understands it just as well, sometimes better, as his multi-math degreed mother. As in dude, I have a PhD in a quantitative science, a masters in a math field and an undergrad in math.  Its then amazing to hear him say "mom, turn it off because it is SO interesting that I can't fall asleep, its too exciting!".  I took electromag, quantum mechanics and lots of physics classes in college and yet I still find it difficult to follow, but my 5th grader is keeping right up with me.  Several times as we listen, I will say "huh?" out loud, only to have him succinctly summarize for me what I was confused about (often just before the narrator then summarizes it, and says precisely the same thing that Offspring just said).  

I love that kid.  Me thinks he's gonna be a smart one. 

Letter Offspring sent in the snail mail to Lego yesterday

Offspring Lastname

Our address

Our city, state

Our zip code

Lego

555 Taylor Road


P.O. Box 1138


Enfield, CT

06083-1138
USA

Dear Lego City,

My name is Offspring. I am eleven years old, and I love Legos. I have some advice for Lego City.I think that Lego City should sell more medical things like, hospitals, or ambulances, or paramedics. I think that Lego City would make more money and those sets would be fun to play with.

From,

Offspring Last Name 

A funny thing happened on the way to the theatre......

Offspring has been looking forward to Feb 10th, 2012 forever because that's the day Star Wars Episode I in 3D comes out.  I figured it would be jammed packed at the theatre, so I bought tickets online in advance, and we left at 6:15 for a 7 pm movie, because I wanted to have plenty of time to snag the h/c seats.  We went outside and as we have done gad zillions of times before, we got Wheeler onto the ramp.  Here's how it usually goes:

Instead, when he rolled into the van, he hit his head on the top of the door jam going in.  This was strange because, well, he never hits his head there.  I have to back up a bit though to give some background.  Wheeler's chair is so tall that he cannot fit into the opening of the van on the ramp unless he reclines some.  As such, he reclines and rolls in, then sits up and finishes rolling into the van and positioning himself so that I can tie down the wheelchair. So when he hit his head, I figured that he must have forgotten to recline and that's why he was too tall to fit in the van.

So now he's chin to chest, pinned down pretty much, and stuck.  He obviously can't roll backwards, that would chop his head off. He is pinned so tightly that I don't think he can even roll forwards, so we sit there and think.  I decide that the best thing to do would be for me to climb through the front seat, get out, disengage the chair so that I can roll it (when he is driving it, its not possible to just pull it, you have to move a lever on the bottom so that it can roll freely) out enough for him to recline further.

But he says that he thinks he can drive forward, so stupidly, I agree.  This is what resulted:

His chair CLIMBED up and OVER one of the flip-up guards at the end of the ramp (not pictured because I suck at drawing) that are supposed to stop him from falling off the ramp.  Well, they would have except that the chair climbed over it.  The picture is simplified (see suck at drawing comment), but what happened is that his left front tire was dangling in space, hanging over the side of the ramp.  The left front tire was driven up about half way over the flip guard, but wasn't totally over the flip guard.  That was what saved his life - that that 2nd tire didn't go completely over.  Somehow he managed to stop the chair and we all just froze in place with his chair dangling over the edge, crooked. Realizing just how close to death he came (<---- not hyperbole, if he'd gone face first onto the concrete, in a 350 pound wheelchair, he would have died).

Now we had to figure out how to get him down.  Because his front wheel was totally over the flip-up guard, and it was wedged under his wheel, so if I let the ramp down, it was wedge even further.  But there wasn't really any other choice but to lower the ramp, so I did, and as I thought, it wedged on the ground.  At that point, I disengaged the chair and pushed with all my might and to my utter shock, I was able to push his wheel up and over the guard and his chair was now back on the ramp.  I raised the lift up some, then lowered it all the way to the ground, where the flip guards laid down flat to allow him to roll off the ramp, just as they are supposed to.  Which he did.  

Then we all stood there and looked at each other.  

Eventually we figured out what had happened.  Earlier in the day, Wheeler had been at his desk, playing on his computer.  To do so, he has to raise the seat of his chair up a little, so that he is at the right height for the desk.  Unfortunately, he forgot to lower his chair and that's why he got wedged in the door jam when he got in the van.  So he lowered his chair, we tried it again, all went well and we went to the movies. 

But as Wheeler summarized once we got all situated in the van finally, "Anyone need a change of pants?"

Downward Facing Dog

Dogs on a yoga mat.  One in corpse pose, one in sitting dog position.

Damn, teeth are expensive

Aquafresh Bubble Gum Flavor: $1.84

Crest mouthwash: $5.04

Pronamel toothpaste: $5.69

Oral B Replacement Brush Heads: $24.99

Cleaning last month: $169

Crown last week: $1,166

Antibiotics and narcotics associated with infection of above: $48

Total: Damn!  

I do not like to converse whilst showering

I step into nice hot shower, where I get all nice and warm, a welcome break from the chilliness of the morning air at the farmhouse in New Hampshire where we're visiting my brother and his family.  Then I hear.....

MOM!!!!!!!

I stick my head out.  Cold air rushes in.

WHAT? (thinking there better be a damn good reason for interrupting my hot shower in a cold farmhouse)

WHERE ARE MY SNOWPANTS?

BY THE FIREPLACE!  

OH. OK!

Mutter, mutter, that was not a good reason since they were in plain friggin' sight.  I stick my head back in, warm up again, lather up....

MOM!!!!!!!

I lean out with suds in my hair, trying not to get suds in my eyes, as the cold rushes into my shower again.

Me, exasperated: WHAT?!????!!!!!!

WHERE IS MY PARKA?

Me, leaning out again: WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND BOY?  RIGHT BY WHERE YOUR SNOWPANTS ARE!

OH. OK!

Good grief.  I'm beginning at this point to think he really is blind, and just as I think that... 

MOM!!!!!

Now I'm beyond exasperated and into irritated.  Still with suds in my hair, I lean out and inform him that

YOUR GLOVES, SOCKS, WORM*, HELMET, GOGGLES, VEST, AND APPARENTLY YOUR BRAIN ARE ALL BY THE FIREPLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND STOP PESTERING ME WHILE I'M IN THE SHOWER! 

Why can't I just have 5 minutes of peace?  Its the curse of motherhood.

* the worm is one of these, I don't know the actual name of it.  Its an absolute necessity when skiing or sledding when its single digits in New Hampshire.  He also wears one under his bike helmet when its cold (relatively speaking, when its high 20s, low 30s).

The dog that deadbolts

We ordered pizza tonight - to my utter delight, our local pizza joint now carries gluten free pizza - and the delivery guy arrived.  As always, Dog and Dogley went absolutely ballistic at the sight of a stranger at the door, so I stepped outside and closed the door to sign the receipt and get the food.  As the guy walked away, I turned back to come back into the house.  

Only now, the door was locked. 

Wha????  I jiggled wiggled and tried absolutely everything, but the dabgum door was utterly and irrevocably (at least from the outside) l-o-c-k-e-d. I couldn't figure out how I had locked it by shutting it - maybe I'd pulled it too hard or something weird, some strange confluence of space and time?  The only lock we have is a deadbolt that turns though, so I just was utterly confused, until I saw Dog (very tall, very big) Dog bounding up and down pawing the door ... and it all clicked. Pun intended.  I tried everything to unlock it from the outside, but since its a deadbolt, the idea is that, well, it doesn't open from the outside.  And we got our money's worth - it didn't open.  [sidebar: I feel very safe at night now.]

But here's the problem now.  It's raining (of course it's raining).  I'm standing outside holding hot food.  My paralyzed husband is inside.  My non-paralyzed child is not home.  I don't have my phone on me.  I'm wearing just pajamas and socks.  The only other door is around back.  Sucking it up, I plunge through the front, then side, then back yard, where I step in a pile of dog doo.  Great.  I sit on the edge of the porch, take off my soaked and utterly disgusting socks and go to the back door.  I try the handle JUST as I remember I had deadbolted the back door the last time I let the dogs out.  

Now I'm am 100% deadbolted out of my house - front and back doors.  I have one last hope though ... the garage door.  We have a keypad, so I punched in our code and much to my relief, the door opened.  I came flying in the door and breathlessly asked Wheeler if he heard all of the commotion.  He blithely looked up and said "No".  NO?!?!   I shook the door, yelled at the dog, swore like a sailor as I walked around the house, jiggled the back door, swore some more and then opened and came in the garage door ... and he didn't notice that I was gone for all that time just answering the door for pizza???  For an observant guy, he sure is clueless sometimes.

On the plus side, perhaps I can just tell Dog to go lock the door instead of having to get up and do it myself from now on.

Defective gift

I got this coffee grinder for my birthday (which is on Christmas, if you recall from 6 years of posting it on this very blog), but so far my chamber maid hasn't arrived....

Other than this defective gift, my Christmas was great - as was everyone else's.  

Dog washing

I just washed the dogs in coconut shampoo.  And now the house and dogs smell disconcertingly like a giant semi-dog scented pina colada. Throw in the pine scented candle I've been burning all day and we are scentsibly confused here.  

One of my better gifts

Just exactly how stupid do they think I am?

The NY Times charges $15 a month (get that, $15 A MONTH) for full online digital access.  Free access is limited to 20 articles a month.  Shoot, I read 20 articles a day - and that's not an exaggeration most days.  I read the digital equivalent of cover to cover every day; its pretty much my only news source.  So for the past year or so I've been paying $15 a month for the all you can eat buffet of liberal elite media. 

Today I logged on and there was a big banner ad "Cyber Monday Sale! 50% off Digital Access for 1 Year!".  Really?!?!  WOW!  So I clicked through all the screens, filled out all the boxes, and hit enter.  It then informed me that I'm not eligible because I already have an active digital subscription. 

SERIOUSLY? 

First of all, I am precisely the customer you should reward. It pisses me off that I can't get as good of a deal as the guy off the street. 

Secondly, and perhaps should be firstly, the digital access is solely controlled via an email username/password combination.  Let's see.  I'm gonna put on my ole thinking' cap, some smokes ah gonna blow outta my ears while I do somes thinkin' and golly gee gosh, I'll just CANCEL my current subscription and sign up under another email address.  HELLO?!?!?!  What kind of idiot do they think I am???????

So I clicked through all the menus to cancel my online subscription and guess what, you can't cancel your online subscription online.  You have to CALL.  Gee, they make it so convenient.... So I duly called. "Hello, this is the NY Times Customer Service Line, please hold while we transfer you to one of our customer service agents". 

[Sidebar your honor: why do they have to transfer you?  Since I called directly in, do they really have to transfer me?  I digress.]

When I talked to someone, I told them exactly why I was canceling and exactly what I was going to do - sign up under another email address ... because (say it with me:) I'm not stupid.  So she says "If I give you 4 more weeks for 99 cents would you consider staying?  Me: uhhhhh, no.  She then says "If I give you 2 months at half price would you consider staying?".  Me: uhhhh, no, I'm going to get 12 MONTHS at half price by signing up under another email address!  She then says "Is there anything else I can help you with?"  I said "Yes, you can tell someone that it is a very bad idea to penalize your curent customers".  She said "Thank you, have a nice day" click. 

So now I'm signed up for 1 year at half price under Wheeler's email address.  Well duh.

I love to wrap presents

AND I'm good at it!

Social justice

Offspring, the other day as we were walking to the park, starting talking about social justice.  Only he didn't know it was social justice.

"If I was in charge of the world, the very first thing that I would do is totally get rid of money.  Money just messes everything up.  But when I told my dad that he said that no one would go to work then, but I think that at least EMS would volunteer.  I mean, they are nice, they save lives and stuff.  So I think that would be ok.  Then I would ban war.  If anyone disagreed, they'd have to settle it by playing rock paper scissors.  And I'd also make it so everyone had to pay the same amount of attention everywhere".

What do you mean by that? I asked.

"You know, like some neighborhoods - like ours - are really REALLY nice with trees and brushes and clean playgrounds, but other places aren't.  Like, they would all have to be the same amount of nice instead it being so unfair.  And then back to that job thing, about money, EMS would volunteer, but everyone else could barter.  Like someone might fix your car if you designed a clinical trial for them mom". 

Well, it was a good idea up to that point ...  I'm not sure I know any mechanics who need a clinical trial designed ... but with a few degrees of separation it might actually work.  He went on with all the other ways that he would change the world, and dammit I can't remember all of them because its been a few days since the conversation but it all boiled down tot essentially leveling the playing field so that everyone has an equal shot at a good life.  That everyone has the same basic slate to start from and that you aren't disadvantaged just because of who you are or where you live or your lack of money, status or immigration status.  I was proud of him - and I'm proud of me for raising a child who has come to believe in social justice.

He may be naive right now about how the world works, but maybe if more of us were a bit more idealistic in our thinking, the world might change for the better.  Just a little at a time.

The good parts of quadriplegia

Good things about being married to a totally paralyzed quad. First, the totally obvious stuff:

• Outstanding parking
• Excellent seating options at events (usually, but if not, I piss and moan until I get my way by threatening public exposure, humilitation and just my general wrath)
• You get lots of attention, nearly always polite and caring.

The not so obvious stuff:

• You never have to go through a turnstile at an event, or metal detector. His chair would sorta make the wands go dingy-dingy-dingy so they just wave us through. All of us. Hmmmmm.
• Small Boy can ride on Wheeler when he's tired of walking.
• He always has a place to sit. I never have to bring a lawn chair for Wheeler.
• His chair reclines, so Small Boy and Wheeler can lay back and study the stars together from the same vantage point.
• You have a place to hang all of your shopping bags, purse, lunch bag, backpack. Just lop it over the top of the headrest and/or hang it off the carabeeners bolted to the back of his chair.
• We have an uber cool bed that goes up, down, reclines, tilts, and changes its own sheets (just kidding about that last one).
• We have an overhead lift in our bedroom to get him in/out of his chair/bed/showerchair that lifts him 6 feet in the air and tracks 15 feet long.  Its WAY cool.  
• You get to weird people out by staring back at them when they stare rudely at Wheeler.
• We are almost always seated immediately at a restaurant, even when there is an hour wait for anyone else. It's the "gimpathy" thing I guess. Or they hope he doesn't drop dead while he's there so get him in and out asap. 
• You get to push those wheelchair door opener things! (even though I could perfectly well open the door and just hold it)
• When you roll into Starbucks, the four people sitting at the single table prominently labeled for disabled customers, all immediately BOLT away and look terribly sheepish (even though there's absolutely nothing wrong with sitting there if there's no disabled person there .... but they seem to get embarrassed anyway, happens every time)
• When something irritating happens due to his disability, I get to holler and yell, shake my finger and say "ADA thing, and ADA that, ADA shigga, ADA ragga, ADA bliggablogga, and DO WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW". And then, miraculously they do. Ahhhh, power. Yes, it corrupts. (during these episdoes Wheeler shrinks into his chair as if he has never seen this crazy ranting woman in his entire life)
• I am in charge of the fork. If I want the first bite, I get it. 
• Wheeler has a super cool environmental control unit that turns lights and fans and all sorts of things on and off. Dude. 
• He knows absolutely everything trivial thing about everything. Ummm, ok, so that's unrelated to being a quad, it's just Wheeler being Wheeler.

On the whole though? We'd go with not paralyzed..... 

Me versus the cockroach

Can I just say that cockroaches scare the crap-ze-ola outta me. As in, huge eyes, rapid heartrate, constricted blood flow to the brain, doe in the headlights, screaming banshee SCARED of cockroaches. Maybe it's just disgusted? No, I'm outright scared of them. The mere thought of one touching me, much less crawling on me makes me twitch uncontrollably and brush my self off with my hands. And since Wheeler has that little problem called complete and total paralysis from the shoulders down, I have had to become bug killer extraordinaire. Including cockroaches. THIS WAS NOT IN MY LIFE PLAN!!!!!!!! Bugs. *shudder* 


I have managed to conquer my phobia to bees and other flying insects enough to kill them with chemical, mechanical or aquatic means.  But cockroaches are where I draw the line. I am completely phobic about them. But if I see one and I do not hunt it down like a dog and kill it, then it will be in my house forever.  And it might CRAWL ONTO ME OHMYGOD! So I have no choice but to find it and kill it myself. 


Recently, I have seen a huge cockroach in our master bedroom 2 times now. The first time it got away before I got get a large object to smash it with (there ain't no way on the face of the planet I would squish it with my hands no matter how desperate I got, that baby would get to snuggle up in bed with me before I smushed it with my hands).  But last night, when that sucker made his second appearance, I was prepared. I had shoes and books all over the bathroom ready to pick up and kill from any position at any time.  So when I spied him, I slowly picked up the nearest shoe and I whammed him with all my might. Confident that I'd be writing his (probably lengthy given his size) obituary, I put the shoe down.  


Then that little sucker started to crawl away!!!!!!!! 


I whammed him again - even harder. He STILL kept crawling, so I stood on him (shoes on of course) and ground him into the tile till he was a mushy pulp. But EVEN THEN this bug twitched an antennae when I moved my gazillions times his body mass me off of him, so I scooped him up with toilet paper and flushed him down the toilet. Then I flushed again in case he knew how to swim. Then once more to ensure his safe passage to the sewage system. And then one last time for good measure.

I proceeded to wash my hands and arms with a most vigorous effort even though I hadn't even touched him technically. It just made my skin crawl at the thought. Then I took the shoe outside and it's been sitting there ever since. Do you think incineration would be enough to get the bug juice off of it?

Shudder.

There are gads of advantages to being married to a quad, but that is one DEFINITE downside. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-yuck.

Sure signs you are the spouse of someone with a spinal cord injury

Sure signs you are an SCI caregiver wife:

• When you know quad doesn't mean the square in the middle of the campus
• When every third person you meet in public says to you in a voice of hushed reverence, with a gentle pat on your arm and an ever so small tear glinting in their eye, that "you are so special to be with him"
• When people ask of you "are you his mother"? or "are you his nurse?"
• When people speak to you instead of your perfectly articulate sci'ed mate
• When you routinely discuss the finer points of bowel movement management at dinner (often in public... without even noticing)
• When you really miss not having hubby with you because you don't have his wheelchair on which to hang your purse or shopping bags
• When your husband says "I think I need to pee", it's you that gets up
• When there is a cockroach, wasp or other horribly scary bug in the house, YOU are the one in charge of killing it.
• When you are really good at fixing wheelchairs, clogged toilets and any manner of small electrical devices
• When you visit someone who is sick in the hospital, and they ask for a drink of water, you start to hold a drink up to their mouth so they can take a sip, and check to make sure they’re properly padded in bed and their heels aren’t touching the mattress.... and then remember: oh crap, they're not paralyzed!
• When you can build a 4 foot section of a chain link fence solely out of zip ties and duct tape
• When you’re flipping the TV channels and you see the SCI-FI channel, and your first thought is that it must be some show on Spinal Cord Injury
• When you holler at your sci'ed hubby to get off his ass and hurry it up, people around you look completely aghast at your horrible treatment of the disabled
• When the phrase "the crips and the bloods" means hemorrhoids in the disabled
• When you are always on top, and related, rather than ask your husband if he's "in the mood", you have to go check
• When you are in complete and total charge of the tv flipper
• When you can diagnose a UTI with one whiff, perform extensive range of motion, percussive quad coughing, change a suprapubic catheter while half asleep and perform brain surgery because its all considered "custodial care" by your insurance company
• When your sci'ed mate is in the hospital, you are quasi-admitted yourself since you can't leave him alone there with a call button he can't operate
• When your dog leaves a dead rabbit on the doorstep, YOU are the one out digging the hole to bury it

And the number one sure sign that you're a quad caregiver wife .....

• You found this post funny

This cannot be good.

Offspring is currently, as in right this second, making something with a push pin, baking soda, water, an empty water bottle, vinegar, toilet paper and coins…. hmmmmm.  This cannot be good!


And now he just said "And now we have to fill up the tub".....  


Oh dear.  Wish me luck. 

Seceding from the family

Offspring announced tonight that he was seceding from the family.  I burst into a huge fit of laughter because, well, it was funny.  I asked him why and he said "I don't know, it just seems like a good idea".  I proceeded to tell him that meant he couldn't stay in the house, he'd have to live outside, after which he took a lawn chair, his coat, flashlight and his pack (see previous post) full of gadgets and sat outside in the dark. I came into the bedroom to tell Wheeler about this development and Wheeler promptly said "Well, he can't be on our family property if he secedes from the family" so I went outside and kicked him off our property.  And then I told him there was no trespassing in our neighborhood, so the park just behind us was out too. It was at that point, plus the enticement of dinner, that he came back in and decided not to secede after all.  Turns out they are studying when North Carolina seceded from the Union during the Civil War and he thought freedom sounded pretty darn fun.  Until he realized the full ramifications - like dinner and a bed to sleep in!

This is what three 11 year old boys at an overnight birthday party sound like.  There's no video, its just sound.  Listen and enjoy..... I triple dog dare you not to smile while listening.

Fantastic apple pie

I brought a ton of apples back from Alabama and made a pie this weekend.  It was pretty darn good, but I made another one tonight and although I haven't yet cut into it .... you be the judge:

Here is the recipe:

CRUST: 2 cups of Pamela's gluten free flour + 1/2 cup sugar + 1 tsp salt + 1 tsp cinnamon + 2/3 cup vegetable oil + 1/4 cup half & half (or milk).  Stir together with a fork until well mixed and crumbly.  Press 2/3 of the mixture into a pie pan and reserve the rest out to crumble on the top.  [note: It's sort of an art to press the crust into the pan, you have to make sure its even and consistent across the bottom of the pan and up the sides.  My first effort kinda sucked, but my second I was able to get it right]


FILLING: Peel, core and thinly slice about 14 small apples (e.g. baseball sized), maybe about 6 cups?   I didn't measure, I just cut up enough till it looked like the right amount to generously (heaping) fill up the pie pan.  You can always just eat the extra filling alone if you make too much, so err on making too much rather than not enough. Melt on low one full stick of butter in a large sauté pan, add the apples and 1 cup of sugar. Cook on medium for 10-15 mins, until the apples start to soften and the mixture starts to turn caramel-ish.  Add lots of cinnamon (to taste) and at the very end, stir in about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of Pamela's GF flour to thicken up the filling.

Pour entire filling into the pie crust, cover lightly with foil.  Bake at 400 degrees for 45 minutes.  Remove foil for last 3-5 mins to brown top crust, but watch carefully as the topping burns easily at that temperature.

EAT!